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TRANSCRIPT:
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LORELAI'S HOUSE - LIVING ROOM
[Lorelai wakes up surrounded by stuff. Her house is still under construction, and she is sleeping in the living room. She gets up.]

LORELAI [to Paul Anka]: Hi. Let's get us a little breakfast. Come on. Come, Paul Anka.

[Paul Anka runs into the kitchen and jumps up on a chair, where he sits and watches Lorelai prepare a huge amount of pop tarts, donuts, bagels, and coffee. Lorelai walks out onto the front porch.]

LORELAI: Breakfast! Get it while it's room temperature and nutrient-free!

[The construction crew hurries into the house. Back in the kitchen.]

LORELAI: Milk, cream and sugar's on the table, Flo's got coffee, who needs a jolt?

WORKER: I do.

LORELAI [pouring coffee]: Okay. Inspect the bagels closely, because the expiration date was in Braille, apparently, and either they're new or from my baby shower. I'm also sorry to report that we are currently out of the brown sugar cinnamon pop tarts.

CREW [together]: Aw.

LORELAI: Don't 'aw' me. You guys have been playing favorites all week and now it's time to pay the piper. So someone be a man, suck it up and start eating the shredded wheat. [The men grumble their disappointment.] Cowards. [One of them reaches out to pet Paul Anka. Lorelai grabs his hand.] Oh, hey, oh! Remember, people! Only pet the dog with your non-watch hand. In case you don't remember, watches cause him to freak out, jump up on the counter and kick my once-working toaster across the room.

[Luke pushes his way through the group of workers carrying a large pastry box.]

LUKE: Your muffins.

LORELAI: My what?

LUKE: You left me an urgent message about needing muffins.

LORELAI: Oh, right! Muffins, boys!

LUKE: These were for them?

LORELAI: Oh, no, they were for me. I thought I'd try to eat my weight in muffins today.

LUKE: Does the dog have to sit in the chair like that?

LORELAI: Like what? His posture's perfect.

LUKE: You know chairs are for people?

LORELAI: Not that chair. That's Paul Anka's chair.

LUKE: Dogs are filthy. They have fleas and malaria on them. You shouldn't have fleas and malaria in the room that you're going to eat in.

LORELAI: I don't eat in here. They do.

LUKE: You enjoying your free breakfast, there, fellas? Nice free coffee, there, Craig? Nice free muffin there, Benny?

LORELAI: Gee, Luke, I don't think they know what you're getting at.

LUKE: Okay, that's good. Uh, you done here? 'Cause Tom wants to talk to us.

[Lorelai gestures to the door. They go outside.]

 
LORELAI'S HOUSE - OUTSIDE
[TJ is walking around giving orders. Lorelai and Luke stand near the stairs and watch the action.]

TJ: All right, Norman, I'm going to need you to find me some cripple studs for that bearing wall we're putting in, 'cause once that sucker's vertical we've got to be ready to nail in those joists.

[TJ walks away. Norman looks at Tom, confused. Tom rushes over.]

TOM: Just keep doing what you're doing, there, and then bring these tools up to Chick.

TJ [moved on]: So, Steve. Later today we're going to need to dig a footing drain all around the perimeter, about five feet deep. That ought to keep the basement dry. [He walks away. Tom hurries in.]

STEVE: This house doesn't have a basement.

TOM: No, it certainly does not.

LUKE: Okay, this is ridiculous. How long are you going to let TJ think that he's the contractor?

LORELAI: To the very end, my friend.

LUKE: Oh, this is stupid! We have to tell him the truth!

LORELAI: No! Look how happy he is, strutting around in his tool belt and his shiny silver helmet. You know, he polishes that thing every night after work.

LUKE [not impressed]: Really.

LORELAI: Yes, really! With real silver polish. That's what he thinks silver polish is for. To polish anything that's silver. I think that's adorable.

TOM: And the good news is he's got terrible instincts. But he combines that with absolutely zero follow through, so it all works out in the end.

LORELAI: Huh? Terrible instincts but zero follow through. All the qualities you want in a good pretend contractor.

LUKE: But we're paying TJ a contractor's salary to do a job that he's not actually doing. And you're paying Tom an extra ten percent to pretend he's not doing a job that TJ thinks he's doing but Tom is actually doing. You should hire Blake Edwards as your contractor.

TOM: Oh no. TJ's playing with the circular saw. [He runs over.]

LUKE: Oh, man.

LORELAI: Eh, Tom'll get to him before he finds the on switch.

LUKE: We're going to tell him.

LORELAI: Luke, he is your brother-in-law.

LUKE [sighs]: Just because Liz married him.

LORELAI: Yeah, but this makes him happy. Which makes Liz happy, which will make you happy, which will me happy.

LUKE: Well, just so you know, I'm going to oversee this entire thing. Okay? I'm going to make sure TJ doesn't blow the house up.

LORELAI: And I appreciate that. Now will you please go make the guys an extra pot of coffee? I'm going to go to Babette's and take a shower.

LUKE: Why? Your shower's working.

LORELAI: Oh, well, yeah. We just had a little incident here yesterday.

LUKE: What kind of an incident?

LORELAI [hesitant]: Nothing big. Some of the guys saw me naked.

LUKE: What?

LORELAI: It's no big thing!

LUKE: How the hell did a couple of guys see you naked?

LORELAI: Well, I was getting out of the shower, and Joe -

LUKE: Joe? Joe saw you naked?

LORELAI: And Pete.

LUKE: Pete?

LORELAI: Well, Pete was with Joe, and then Slim -

LUKE: Slim saw you naked!

LORELAI: Well, I could see him, so I assume he could see me. Billy had the best view. Just a straight shot right down Main Street.

LUKE: So four guys saw you naked.

LORELAI: Well, if you don't count Teddy, then yes.

LUKE: What in the hell were those guys doing up there in the first place?

LORELAI: TJ accidentally sent them up.

LUKE [glares over at TJ]: I'm going to kill him.

LORELAI: Luke, it was no big deal. Please. We all laughed about it. Look, from now on I'm showering at Babette's, so show's over. No one sees the goods but you. Okay?

[She kisses him and walks over to Babette's. Norman, the construction worker, watches her go, then pats Luke on the back and grins approvingly.]

 
OPENING CREDITS

 
ELDER GILMORE'S - DINING ROOM
[Rory and Emily are eating breakfast as the maid pours coffee.]

RORY: They're good.

EMILY: They're stale. And the blueberries aren't even blue, they're red. My God, these blueberries are red!

RORY: They're raspberries.

EMILY: Well, the box said they were blueberry. It was printed right on the side.

RORY: Actually, I was in the kitchen, and the box said -

EMILY: It just kills me, that woman.

RORY: It really wasn't as provocative as you think, Grandma.

EMILY [holds up a letter and reads it in a snooty voice]: On my last visit to the office I noticed the foliage on the right side of the entrance looked a little peaked. We might want to let the gardener know. Ta, ladies. [She glares at Rory and puts it down.]

RORY: Again, it's not exactly Martin Luther nailing the ninety-five theses to a door.

EMILY: It's implying that I have no control over my hirelings at the DAR. I'm the president. The foliage on the right side of the door, which looks fine, by the way, is my responsibility. This is a direct frontal assault on my leadership. The woman's plotting a coup!

RORY: This is Constance, right?

EMILY: Constance Bedderton. Ever since the Masterson's Christmas party, when I mentioned that Constance's husband sells used cars for a living - which he does, he calls them pre-owned, but they're used - she's had it in for me. She's going to run against me in the next election. You don't try to oust a president of the DAR after one term, it's an insult!

RORY: I think you will beat her handily.

EMILY: Did I tell you she tried to push me down the stairs once?

RORY: Look, Grandma, don't worry. You have someone on the inside now.

EMILY [rolls her eyes]: I do, who?

RORY: Me.

EMILY: Oh! Yes!

RORY: I'll keep an eye on Constance from now on. Let you know when she comes in, when she uses the computer, when she's inspecting the landscaping.

EMILY: Oh, that's wonderful! But stay out of the stairwell.

RORY: Will do.

EMILY [takes a bite]: Mm. Raspberry. I like raspberry!

 
ROADSIDE CLEANUP CREW
[Rory is working two spears at once. She empties them into her bag, then picks up the bag and walks among the crew.]

GUY: Twist ties?

RORY: Twist ties are over there. [To another guy] Is that bag half full or half empty, Jules? [She looks at his bag] Oh, you're making me an optimist, my friend!

LIZA: Rory.

RORY: Liza.

LIZA [whining]: Rory!

RORY: No, we agreed! Not until the end of your shift!

LIZA: But I don't think the patch works on me.

[She lifts her shirt to reveal four patches stuck on to her stomach.]

RORY: That is like a billion milligrams of nicotine!

LIZA: Is that bad?

RORY: Just go sit by the cooler, have some water and take those off!

[She goes. Rory moves on.]

SUPERVISOR: Problem?

RORY: No, I just told her to get some water. She seems really dehydrated.

SUPERVISOR: Looks pretty good.

RORY: Yeah, I think we've hit a really good rhythm here. I paired up Rinaldi and Spiro, which worked out very efficiently. Sanderson got a little grumpy toward the end of the day, but it's just because he wants to be noticed, and he is by far our best spearman. Also, we need to remember to pack a couple of extra trash spears tomorrow. The MacFarlane brothers are using the trash pick up to get out some of that pent up aggression, which is psychologically healthy but hard on the equipment.

SUPERVISOR: Got it. So what's it looking like?

RORY: Well, our quota's up, the kids are tired. I think it's time to call it a day.

SUPERVISOR: Good. [He walks away.]

RORY [calling out]: All right, everybody, let's bring it in!

LIZA: Hey! A bunch of the girls are going out for pizza if you want to come.

GUY: I'll come.

LIZA: Are you a girl?

GUY: No. [He walks away sadly.]

RORY: I would, but I can't. I've got a three-hour shift at the nursing home.

LIZA: I can't believe how much community service they stuck you with. What the hell'd you do?

RORY: I shot a man in Reno.

[Liza laughs, which turns into coughing.]

RORY [puts out her hand]: Give it.

[Liza gives her the pack of smokes and leaves, coughing.]

 
DRAGONFLY INN - DINING ROOM
[Paris and Lorelai are having coffee. Lorelai looks bored.]

PARIS: The truth is, this is the first time in my life that I've consistently spent the night with a man.

LORELAI: Uh-huh.

PARIS: I don't know the rules. I mean, obviously, the clothes have to come off for the actual sex part of the evening, but afterward, what are you supposed to do? I mean, nightgowns are obviously out, but wearing nothing seems extreme. And, in case of fire, completely impractical.

LORELAI: Oh, sure.

PARIS: I wore a camisole one night, it almost strangled me. And I'm definitely not a teddy girl, so what does that leave?

LORELAI: Uh, t-shirts.

PARIS: But what does a t-shirt say about me?

LORELAI: Well -

PARIS: More importantly, what does it say to Doyle about me?

LORELAI: Sweetie, it's just a t-shirt. They don't tend to be that chatty.

PARIS: I don't know. Maybe I should reconsider the completely naked option. After all, I'm twenty one. If not now, when? I mean, right now, my ass is probably as good as it's ever going to get. I should exploit that, right?

LORELAI: Absolutely. Buy a video camera and go to town.

PARIS: You know what, I'm starting to fade here.

LORELAI [relieved]: Oh, me too. Listen, it's been a terrific lunch -

PARIS: I think I'll get another espresso. [She turns to call the waiter.]

LORELAI: Actually, we're out of espresso.

PARIS: You are?

LORELAI: Yes. Uh, we shut the machine down at three o'clock to give it a rest, 'cause it's Italian, so it's a little temperamental.

PARIS: Oh. Okay. Well, then, I guess I should -

LORELAI: Go? Really? [She gets up and hustles Paris out of her seat and toward the door.] Okay, well, sweetie, it's been a blast, again!

PARIS: Okay, so I guess I'll see you Tuesday.

LORELAI: Yeah, Tuesday! Perfect, can't wait! Mmkay.

[Paris exits. Lorelai turns and walks quickly into the kitchen.]

MICHEL: Is she gone?

LORELAI: Yes, she's gone.

MICHEL: Thank God.

LORELAI: I can't believe you're in here, hiding from a little girl.

MICHEL: Oh, yes, you can.

LORELAI [pouring herself coffee]: She has a tough exterior, but on the inside she's -

MICHEL: Tokyo Rose.

LORELAI: She's lonely. She does not have a lot of friends.

SOOKIE: No. shocker!

LORELAI [scolding]: Sookie.

SOOKIE: No! No 'Sookie'! She's horrible! I mean, she sends everything back twice, and she makes the waiters write down exactly what she wants me to know is wrong with the food.

MICHEL: At least you're hidden in here. I'm out there behind the desk, exposed to all of her elements.

LORELAI: Michel.

MICHEL: She mocked my accent! She called me Canadian!

SOOKIE: It's enough already! I won't cook for her any more.

MICHEL: Lunches.

SOOKIE: Twice a week for three weeks?

MICHEL: Yeah, creepy! The next thing you know you'll be carrying Emmanuel Lewis around on your shoulders.

SOOKIE: We don't have time for this, Lorelai. We have a wedding this week, and I've got a menu to plan, and a cake to design. I don't have time to map out the fish patterns for my wild salmon.

LORELAI: Okay, okay! I'm sorry if she's bothering you guys, I - what can I do? I gave her my cell phone number, I told her to call, I just didn't think she'd use it so often.

SOOKIE: Well, cut it off!

LORELAI: I feel sorry for her.

MICHEL: No one likes to be pitied.

LORELAI: Fine. I have to cut it off. I know, I will.

MICHEL: Do you promise?

LORELAI: I promise!

SOOKIE: Good. Because I have got a lot of work to do, and we've got a ton of planning to do for this wedding next week, and the menu's a mess, and the cake - I was thinking about doing a red velvet cake, but I don't know. And I'm using this wedding as a trial run so it has to be perfect!

LORELAI: A trial run for what?

SOOKIE: For your wedding.

LORELAI [surprised]: Oh.

SOOKIE: Yeah. Which will be when?

LORELAI: What?

SOOKIE: When?

LORELAI: When what?

SOOKIE: When will you be getting married? I'm going to need a date.

LORELAI: Oh! Well, we haven't set one yet.

SOOKIE [excited]: Well, I had Michel black out all of July for next year!

LORELAI: You what?

SOOKIE: I figured you and Luke for an outdoors-y summer wedding.

LORELAI: Who and Luke?

SOOKIE: July 23rd is my pick, but I am flexible.

LORELAI: Michel, un-black it out.

MICHEL [to Sookie]: I told you.

LORELAI: 'I told you' what?

MICHEL: I told her that you are not getting married.

LORELAI: I am getting married.

SOOKIE [to Michel]: You were right, you called it.

MICHEL: The woman can't commit to a purse, much less a man.

LORELAI: I am getting married.

SOOKIE: I am so naive. I, I believed. [She glares at Lorelai.]

MICHEL: Live and learn.

LORELAI: Hey! I am getting married. I am! We will set a date and we will get married on that date, and I've had the same purse for almost a year, thank you very much!

MICHEL: Of course, my mistake. Now let me go cancel your wedding plans.

LORELAI [calling after him]: Those are not my wedding plans! Those are Sookie's wedding plans!

SOOKIE: Well, fine then! What are your wedding plans?

LORELAI: They haven't been formalized yet.

SOOKIE: What does that mean?

LORELAI: Sookie, come on. I've got men running around my house, a destroyed bedroom, things are crazy right now. When they calm down, and Luke and I get a chance to breathe, we will talk and set the date. And until then, can we drop it, please?

SOOKIE: Fine, it's dropped.

[Michel runs back in.]

MICHEL: She's back! She's coming back!

SOOKIE: No!

LORELAI: Why?

MICHEL: I don't know why. Maybe she left her phone, or her spell book. All I know is, she's heading back to our inn, and I'm not going out until she leaves.

LORELAI: Michel, you're being ridiculous. You're a grown man and you have a job to do.

MICHEL: So do you, and I don't see you rushing out.

LORELAI: Well, I can't. Because I'm not done with my coffee yet.

[Michel sighs as she lifts her cup slowly and takes a sip.]

LORELAI [smiling]: Mm. Good to the last drop.

 
DAR OFFICE - RECEPTION
[Rory is sitting at the front desk. The phone rings.]

RORY: Daughters of the American Revolution! [Pause] Mrs. Tarkington! Yes, I've got your application right here. Sandra Tarkington. Um, I guess we just need to make a hundred percent sure that you're related to a verifiable patriot, because we couldn't substantiate it on our end. [Pause] Well, see, that's the thing. The fact that you found a musket in your great-uncle's attic doesn't necessarily mean you're related to a revolutionary war patriot. Yeah. Unfortunately. Even if your great-uncle Nate swore on your Aunt Kissy's grave that it was so. [Emily enters the office and smiles proudly at Rory.] It's documented genealogy, preferably notarized. Could you hold on for a moment? [She puts the phone down to speak to Emily.] Psst. Where's Julia?

EMILY: Slinked to the back after I tore down Constance's letter.

RORY: Good, because I've got some gossip.

EMILY [sitting]: My own little Valerie Plame. What's the news?

RORY: Okay. So I was at lunch with some of the girls, and I started sniffing around, just casually asking if anyone had any funny stories about Constance.

EMILY: You sly fox!

RORY: So, one of the girls tells me that about three months ago, she was in the office with Constance, and as Constance was heading out for lunch, she stumbled and dropped her purse and her Altoids box popped open, spilling out enough funny-looking pills to fill a pharmacy. Constance claimed that they were all vitamins. Julia didn't buy it, because the minute the pills spilled out, Constance threw herself on top of them to cover them up!

EMILY: A cover up! That's good! That's what took Nixon down! Oh, this is so exciting! I love having a mole. We should go buy you a trench coat and a fedora.

RORY: I suggested to the girls that next week we invite Constance to lunch. Get a couple drinks in her and see what comes up.

EMILY: Who knew that behind such a sweet face lurked the soul of a spy?

RORY: I prefer the term 'woman of mystery and intrigue'. [Her cell phone rings. She leans over to answer it.] Excuse me. Hello?

PARIS: Rory?

RORY: Oh, hey, Paris.

PARIS: Hey, we need to talk. Is this a bad time?

[Emily waves at Rory that she is leaving. Rory waves back.]

RORY: No, no, now's a fine time. What's up?

[Scene cuts between Rory at the DAR and Paris in a courtyard at Yale.]

PARIS: Good, this hard-to-reach thing was getting old.

RORY: I'm all ears, Paris.

PARIS: I have to put down a security deposit today by five o'clock or we lose the place.

RORY: What place?

PARIS: Our place!

RORY: Our place where?

PARIS: Our off-campus place? You're hard to reach in a myriad of ways.

RORY: Paris, we don't have a place. I'm not moving off-campus with you.

PARIS: Why?

RORY: Because I no longer go to campus.

PARIS: So, you're sticking with this not going to Yale thing of yours.

RORY: Yes, I am.

PARIS: Is this about the boat?

RORY: How do you know about the boat?

PARIS: Oh, come on. It's out there.

RORY [upset]: Out there? Why is it out there? How is it out there?

PARIS: I read about it on Rebecca Thurston's blog.

RORY: I thought Rebecca Thurston's blog was just about all the guys she has sex with and how much she hates her mother.

PARIS: That's true, but the boat you guys stole belongs to Dr. Daniel Zimmerman, whose son is Jason Zimmerman, who Rebecca Thurston had sex with on her father's boat last semester.

RORY: I can't believe I'm in the blog-o-sphere.

PARIS: Hey, see for yourself. Just google Rory Gilmore sex boat.

RORY: Oh my God.

PARIS: Is it true you and Logan tried to out-race the Connecticut coast guard?

RORY: Rent the apartment, Paris. I'm not coming back to Yale.

PARIS: You know, you've put me in a very difficult position. Now what if I end up renting the room to a rapist or a serial killer?

RORY: I told you over two months ago that I was not coming back! And besides, I think Yale is pretty good about screening for rapists and serial killers.

PARIS: There was no sense of finality in our last conversation.

RORY: There was a total sense of finality.

PARIS: Well, you can believe that if you want to, but if I end up on the front page of the Hartford Courier BTK'd to death, you'll know why.

RORY: Good-bye, Paris. [She hangs up on her and sits back at the desk.]

 
LORELAI'S HOUSE
[Someone is knocking at the front door. We can hear a lot of laughing going on in the living room. The person knocks again, then enters. It's Luke.]

LUKE: Hello?

[In the living room, Lorelai is entertaining the construction workers, who are standing around drinking beer.]

LORELAI: I will find you! No matter how long, no matter how far, I will find you!

LUKE: What the hell's going on here?

WORKER: Hey, Luke.

LORELAI: Hi. I'm just doing my Daniel Day-Lewis retrospective for the guys.

NORMAN: You should see her rendition of 'My Left Foot'.

LUKE [baffled]: Yeah, I've seen it, thanks.

LORELAI: No, no, this time I did it with my right foot. Totally different. Here, I'll show you. Pete, hand me the paint brush.

LUKE: That's okay. I'm good. Uh, you know there's a bunch of open paint cans sitting out on the porch?

LORELAI: Yeah, they'll get to it. We just didn't want the pizza to get cold. Hey, check out this trick we just taught Paul Anka. Hey, Paul Anka. Pizza! [He barks.] Pizza! Pizza! [He barks twice.] Salad. [He sits quietly. Everyone laughs except for Luke.] Good boy, good boy. Oh, shoot, I'm out of treats. I'll be right back.

[She walks into the kitchen, where Tom is sitting at the table looking over plans. Luke follows her.]

LUKE: Hey, you know those guys are here to work. You don't have to put a USO show on for them.

LORELAI: I know. I just want them to have a good time.

LUKE: Half of them have seen you naked, how much better a time can they have?

LORELAI [to Tom]: He's jealous of my popularity, Tom.

TOM: Sure, I get that.

LUKE: Tom, do other clients feed their construction crews breakfast and lunch and buy them pizza and beer?

TOM: Nope.

LUKE: See?

TOM: Course, the negative thing's been done to death.

LORELAI: All right, Tom, we're outie. Anything we need to discuss before we go?

TOM: Nope. We've talked about everything but the kitchen.

LORELAI: What about the kitchen?

TOM: Well, do we want to make it bigger?

LORELAI: Why would we want to make it bigger?

TOM: Well, you might want a nice double oven, or a sub-zero freezer. There's room enough for an island and a cooking station with some stools around it for entertaining. [Lorelai looks at him blankly.] You know, for dinner parties. Or maybe you want to cook a big holiday dinner, Thanksgiving or Christmas?

LORELAI [to Luke]: The strange man is scaring me.

LUKE: I think the kitchen's fine, Tom.

[TJ comes in the front door.]

TJ: Okay, everybody can relax, because your trusty contractor has returned! Boy, what a trip. Traffic was terrible! It took me an entire day. Here you go, Tom. [He reaches into his bag and pulls out a hammer.] The Mystic Hammer.

TOM: Thank you, TJ.

TJ: I got to tell you, I don't see what's so special about it. It looks an awful lot like every other hammer we got lying around here.

TOM: Well, that's the beauty of the Mystic Hammer, TJ. It looks the same, but it's completely different.

LUKE: Tom, make sure those cans are cleaned up out there, okay?

LORELAI: Oh my God with the paint cans already.

LUKE: I almost tripped over the cans.

TOM: Don't worry, Luke, I'll take care of it.

TJ [knocking on Rory's bedroom door]: Hey, did you guys know there was a room back here? [He opens the door.] Boy, yes, look at this, a whole room, what a find, uh? [Luke rushes over to close the door.] Boy, if you knocked out this wall here, opened up this room, you would have a huge kitchen!

LUKE: Yeah, we don't want a huge kitchen, TJ.

TJ: Well then, you could turn it into a weight room. Or a workshop. [Lorelai looks really upset.] Or, hey, a pork smoker room! My uncle had a pork smoker room! Big sides of pork hanging all over the place! We called it the Dead Pig Room.

LUKE: TJ, why don't you go out there and tell the guys they can go home?

TJ: It's not that big a job. I could have it up and running for you in a week. All I gotta do is drive over to Boston for one of those special sledgehammers Tom was telling me about, get a pig, and in about ten minutes I -

LORELAI [blows up]: Just leave the room alone, okay! Just - it's fine. Leave it alone. Let's go.

[Luke and Lorelai leave.]

TJ: Is she Jewish or something?

[Tom sighs and rubs his forehead.]

 
ON STAGE
[Lane's band is playing in a room decorated with silver tinsel, streamers, and big construction paper stars. They are playing a cover of Blondie's "Don't leave me hanging on the telephone". The audience is really into it. They finish with a bang, and the crowd goes wild.]

ZACH: Woo!

GIL: Yeah!

ZACH: Massachusetts, we love you!

GIL: We love you, man!

ZACH: We'd like to give some shout-outs before we go, first and foremost, to Pastor Tim!

GIL: Yeah! Pastor Tim! [He plays a riff for him.]

ZACH: Thanks for letting us rock the gym here at Whitfield Seventh-Day Adventist church.

GIL: Got into some very heavy talk with the pastor about my soul and Ecclesiastes and stuff after sound check, and I gotta say, if Christ comes back in fulfillment of prophecy, he's going to be hooking up with you first, dude, 'cause you are awesome!

[The crowd cheers for Pastor Tim.]

ZACH: We would like to also thank the decoration committee for making the A/V room look so cool.

GIL: Yeah. I've played the Whiskey before, man, and it's got a similar vibe, it does.

ZACH: But most important, we'd like to thank all of you for coming out to see us and letting us into your homes and making us feel so welcome. [They cheer.] We gotta go!

GIL: We are going home, people!

ZACH: There's some t-shirts and stuff for sale on the table over there. We are Zach, Gil, Brian and Lane, and we are Hep Alien and we are out of here! [The band bows, and everybody cheers again. Zach turns to the band.] We were so on, man!

LANE: We were beyond, on, we were - Ah! [She kisses Zach.]

ZACH: Cool.

GIL: Watch it, Lane, the pastor's still hanging!

BRIAN: We were as tight as the Foo Fighters.

GIL: Tighter. Listen, if that pretentious little snot in Coldplay can walk around comparing himself to Bono, we can compare ourselves to the Foo Fighters.

LANE: I'm exhausted, but exhilarated, you know? I'm not going to sleep for months.

ZACH: Oh, cool, there's people buying t-shirts. We can get some food tonight.

GIL: Just leave money for gas.

LANE: We'll have money for gas, guys, don't worry. Let's just drink this in, the last night of our first tour!

BRIAN: I can't believe it's over!

ZACH: I can't believe we survived.

[Pastor Tim walks over and whispers in Gil's ear.]

GIL: You got it, Pastor Tim. We gotta start breaking it down, guys. They want to set up for bible study tomorrow, and they need the stage for their big crucifix.

[They start to break down the stage, and Lane smiles happily.]

 
DRAGONFLY INN - KITCHEN
[Sookie is holding up two huge cookie sheets, hiding something from Lorelai.]

SOOKIE: Okay, here we go! [She moves the cookie sheets in a flourish.]

LORELAI: Oh, what is that? And where can I get one?

SOOKIE: That is my dark chocolate s'mores wedding cake.

LORELAI: You've been reading my diary.

SOOKIE: I got the idea from a dream. I was back in cooking school, and late for my final, and I run over to an oven and sitting there is the s'mores wedding cake. And I presented it to my teacher, he starts weeping, and the whole class is applauding and cheering.

LORELAI: That's so nice!

SOOKIE: Yeah. And then, of course, Kate Holmes and Tom Cruise come leaping out of the cake screaming about how amazing it is, so that made the whole thing a little creepy, but up until then.

LORELAI: Look, you've got a marshmallow bride and groom on the top!

SOOKIE: You think they'll like it?

LORELAI: I do.

SOOKIE: You think you'll like it?

LORELAI [rolls her eyes]: Look, Captain Ahab.

SOOKIE: Come on, set the date!

LORELAI: I will!

SOOKIE: Is there something you're not telling me? Because agreeing to marry somebody is just as big a commitment as actually marrying them, so don't think it's not.

LORELAI: I am committed. And you should be, so -

SOOKIE: This isn't a joking matter, missy. I want your wedding to be perfect or I want nothing to do with it.

LORELAI: Oh, really. Wow. That might be a problem, because I was really hoping for one of those disastrous weddings where we lose both rings minutes before the ceremony, and I get a nosebleed as I'm walking down the aisle, and then later, at the reception, Luke is found in the coat room Jude Law-ing it with one of the bridesmaids.

[Sookie laughs as Michel enters.]

MICHEL: Hey, I just received a call that the wedding party will not be getting in until midnight, and someone will need to be here to greet them. I would do it, but I don't want to.

LORELAI: All right, I'll do it.

MICHEL: Very well, I'll leave the - wait. Do you feel that?

LORELAI: Feel what?

MICHEL: An icy chill, as if something sinister is approaching.

SOOKIE: What?

[MICHEL hums the witch's song from the Wizard of Oz.]

LORELAI: Gee, Michel, is Paris here?

MICHEL: Maybe she was coming up the walk when I fled. [He heads out the door.]

LORELAI: Where are you going?

MICHEL: In the opposite direction. [He exits.]

SOOKIE: Paris. Paris is here. Oh! [She points at the door where Michel just left.] I get the humming now! [She giggles, then turns back to Lorelai.] What is she doing here?

LORELAI: We're having lunch.

SOOKIE: Really? Ordering pizza, are you?

LORELAI: No, Sookie, I'm breaking up with her today. All right? I'm ending it, like I promised, so back off.

SOOKIE: Grilled chicken and fries. That is all I'm making.

LORELAI: Thank you!

[All the wait staff rushes into the kitchen, whispering things like 'Move it!' and 'Let's go!']

LORELAI: Apparently the evil has landed.

[She goes out to the dining room.]

 
DRAGONFLY INN - DINING ROOM
[Lorelai hurries over to Paris and gives her a hug.]

LORELAI: Paris, hi. Good to see you! You look good, something different?

PARIS: I accidentally sprayed gasoline on myself at the service station.

LORELAI: Well, that must be it. Come on, let's sit.

PARIS: Sorry I'm late. I was interviewing roommates. And all I can say is, build an ark, 'cause it is seriously time for a flood.

LORELAI: Oh. Well, you want some iced tea? [She gestures to the waiter.]

PARIS: I mean, forget the concept of intelligence or even the simple act of carrying on a conversation, these people can't type a reference sheet! [The waiter, trembling, pours her a glass of iced tea.] I mean, they all have questionable morals, a complete distrust of soap products - [To the waiter] In the glass, out of the glass, it's all just semantics to you, right?

[Lorelai nods reassuringly at the waiter, and he leaves.]

LORELAI: Uh, well, I'm sure you'll find someone. You just have to keep looking.

PARIS: I guess. It's just, classes start next week, and things are already getting crazy.

LORELAI: Yeah. Boy. You sound really busy, Paris.

PARIS: I am.

LORELAI: You know, I feel a little bad. Dragging you all the way out here when you have so much on your plate? I mean, talk about self-centered, huh? Think about someone else, for a change, Lorelai!

PARIS: Oh. That's okay.

LORELAI: You know, I'll be totally fine if you need to cut back on our lunches.

PARIS: Cut back?

LORELAI: Cut back, cut out. Whatever you need is fine with me.

PARIS: You know, this all sucks. I wouldn't even be in this position if it weren't for Rory. She was supposed to room with me. It was all planned out. I even called her yesterday and gave her one more chance to change her mind, but no.

LORELAI [smiles sadly]: You talked to Rory yesterday?

PARIS: Yeah. I called her at the office.

LORELAI: Office? What office?

PARIS: Her office.

LORELAI: She has an office? What is she doing?

PARIS: I don't know. Her job.

LORELAI: What job?

PARIS: Some job in an office with her grandmother.

LORELAI: Well, her grandmother does not have an office.

PARIS: Well, that's where I called her.

LORELAI: This makes no sense to me at all. What did it sound like?

PARIS: An office.

LORELAI: Yes, I know an office, but were there specific office sounds?

PARIS: I think I heard a fax machine.

LORELAI: A fax machine? You're sure it was a fax machine?

PARIS: Pretty sure.

LORELAI: Well, were there people talking, or traffic? Did you hear traffic? 'Cause that could give us a location. A city, or county, or - [from Paris' stare] - what?

PARIS: So that's what this is all about. You're just using me to get to Rory?

LORELAI: Aw, Paris.

PARIS: You're pumping me full of espresso and pumping me for information.

LORELAI: No, that is not true! I'm not pumping! No pumping. We're completely pump-free.

PARIS: I'm so stupid. I mean, why else would you want to have bi-weekly lunches with me?

LORELAI: There are many, many reasons. [Pause.] And they will come to me, just in a second.

PARIS: I'm blind. I walk blindly through life.

LORELAI: No, now, you're not blind.

PARIS: I'll leave. I'll go right now. [She gets up.]

LORELAI: Oh, Paris, please, I'm sorry. You just - you mentioned Rory and a thing went off in my brain. It's just a - a mother thing, but I love our lunches. I really do. Please stay.

PARIS: Are you sure, because I could just -

LORELAI: Yes, I'm completely positive. Everything's good. Now won't you sit down? [Paris sits sullenly.] How does chicken sound, okay?

PARIS: Okay. If it's not too dry.

LORELAI: Okay.

[She breathes deeply. They look at each other for a moment. Paris leans back and looks around.]

PARIS: The service here sucks.

 
NURSING HOME
[The residents are ballroom dancing happily. Rory walks around from behind the record player table.]

RORY: Very smooth, Mr. Hollister!

MR. HOLLISTER: That was a Suzy Q right into the Shorty George.

RORY: I thought it looked familiar!

MR. HOLLISTER: And after this song, I'll take you for a twirl!

RORY: Oh, I hope I can keep up! [She moves to the next couple.] Watch those hands, Mr. Fink. [He shrugs. The record skips.] I'm on it. [She pushes the needle over on the record.] You know, I can get this for you guys on CD. [They all laugh.] Oh, now, come on, it wasn't that funny. [She sees Logan come in the side door.] Oh, my God! Hey, stranger!

LOGAN: Hello to you! [They kiss.]

MR. FINK: Watch those hands, Miss Gilmore!

RORY: Touché, Mr. Fink. [She laughs.] What are you doing here?

LOGAN: Well, I was in Copenhagen this morning and then I remembered I had a four o'clock mambo class.

RORY: Oh, I'm so glad you're back! How was Europe? [She grabs his hand.]

LOGAN: Same as it was last year.

RORY [noticing a bandage on his pinky finger]: What did you do?

LOGAN: Long, embarrassing story. I'll tell you later.

RORY: Okay. Oh, wait. Hold on. [She turns the music off.] Okay, everyone, it is time for cake and punch! [A server brings in a cart of food. The residents all sigh sadly.] It's only a fifteen minute break and then it's back to the dance floor.

LOGAN: So you're Arthur Murray now?

RORY: No, I don't have that much training. No, their dance teacher has an inner ear infection, I'm just filling in. My job is to make sure nobody falls down.

LOGAN: And what if somebody does?

RORY: That's what the panic button is for. [She gestures at the large red button on the wall nearby. They laugh.]

LOGAN: So when does this crazy rock and roll party wrap up?

RORY: Another forty-five minutes. But if you get yourself some cake and punch, it'll only seem like forty. [They kiss again.] I missed you.

LOGAN: That was my plan.

[Rory laughs and flips the record over.]

 
RORY'S POOLHOUSE
[Logan is sitting on the couch, shirtless, wrapped in a blanket. Rory, wearing his shirt, hands him a glass of water.]

LOGAN: Thank you.

RORY: You're welcome. [She sits next to him and cuddles up under the blanket.] I missed this.

LOGAN: Me too.

RORY: Oh, so you, Colin and Finn didn't do a lot of cuddling in Europe?

LOGAN: Nah. Mostly just hand-holding.

RORY: So is there any official record of this trip, or was all evidence confiscated at the airport?

LOGAN: I got pictures.

RORY: Yeah? Can I see?

LOGAN: Yeah. Hand me that.

[He points, and then leans over to set down his glass. Rory hands him his shoulder bag.]

LOGAN: Now, you realize if I show you mine you have to show me yours.

RORY: You saw mine about five minutes ago, mister.

LOGAN: Aw, I hate it when you work blue. Okay. [He shows her the pictures on his camera.] Here's Colin sleeping on the train.

RORY: Uh-huh.

LOGAN: And here's Finn shoving carrot sticks up Colin's nose as Colin sleeps on the train.

RORY: Very mature.

LOGAN: We try. This is Gloucestershire, England.

RORY: Pretty.

LOGAN: Where we attended the famous Gloucestershire cheese-rolling festival, a time-honored tradition where fine, brave men such as myself climb to the top of a hill with a large wheel of cheese and then proceed to push it and run after it as it rolls all the way down.

RORY: Shut up! Why would you commit that to film? [She grabs the camera to look closer.]

LOGAN [laughing]: That's me, that's Colin, that's Finn, and that is the cheese.

RORY: So if you beat your cheese to the bottom of the hill, are you disqualified or do you win?

LOGAN: There are no winners or losers in the Gloucestershire cheese-rolling festival.

RORY: Well, there certainly aren't any winners.

LOGAN [displaying the bandage on his hand]: Tell me about it.

RORY: Who's that?

LOGAN: Oh, now that's the love of Colin's life.

RORY: Colin fell in love?

LOGAN: Yeah. He met her in Holland, and she doesn't speak a work of English, so she has no idea how incredibly annoying she finds him.

RORY: What's with the outfit?

LOGAN: She's a milkmaid.

RORY: Stop.

LOGAN: She has cows. She has pails.

RORY: Colin fell in love with a milkmaid?

LOGAN: He's pretty serious, too. He ditched us and followed her to Amsterdam where they've been holed up ever since. We haven't heard a word from him. I mean, we assume he's going to be back by the time - [He stops and sighs.]

RORY: By the time what? [Logan doesn't answer.] By the time the cows come home? What? By the time school starts?

[Logan sighs again.]

RORY: What? What's the matter?

LOGAN: Nothing.

RORY: Logan. You can mention school to me.

LOGAN: I don't want to bum you out.

RORY: Logan, that is ridiculous. I'm fine. I mean, look. Yale was a wonderful chapter in my life, but I've moved on. I have my work. I have my new pad. I'm just really happy with where I am right now.

LOGAN [not buying it]: Really.

RORY: Logan, you don't have to feel weird about this. You go to Yale. Your friends go to Yale. How could we not talk about Yale?

LOGAN: I don't know.

RORY: Exactly. So we both agree that the topic of Yale can never be off-limits.

LOGAN: Okay. Fine. Well, if you're so cool with it, why don't you come meet me at Yale tomorrow and I can show you my new apartment and maybe take you to lunch?

RORY: I can't tomorrow, because I have my DAR induction luncheon.

LOGAN: Well then how about breakfast?

RORY: Breakfast sounds good.

LOGAN: I have to say, Ace, I like the new digs.

RORY [looking around]: Yeah, it's really nice, huh? You haven't even seen the bedroom yet.

LOGAN [sighs comically]: Oh, wow.

RORY: What?

LOGAN: Okay, fine. But don't think that this is going to work a second time.

[He gets up with the blanket. Rory looks confused for a second.]

RORY: Oh - no, Logan! I didn't mean - no, I seriously meant that you hadn't seen the bedroom yet.

LOGAN [walking toward the bedroom]: You're making me feel cheap, Ace.

RORY: Logan! I swear, I wasn't working blue.

[She gets up and follows him.]

 
GAS STATION
[Gil filling up the van while Brian and Zach hang out the open side door, crammed in with all their stuff.]

BRIAN: Come on, let's go!

GIL: Martha's thirsty, guys.

ZACH: I hate that he named his van.

LANE: I think it's cute.

ZACH: Hey, you're not pumping premium, right?

GIL: It's the cheap stuff, bro. Don't worry.

ZACH: Yeah, well, you said that before and you pumped premium and that meant no snack stop in Philadelphia.

GIL: Whoa!

LANE [from the front seat]: What, Gil?

GIL: Well, I was just watching the numbers spin by on the gas pump dial thingy here getting bigger and bigger and I was thinking. What if that was counting all the people in the world who are like, dying, you know? So it's all these dead dudes spinning by?

ZACH: Every day with him is like being on Meet the Press.

BRIAN: I can't feel my legs.

ZACH: Move around a little.

BRIAN: Your amp's on my foot.

ZACH: Look, I'm no better off than you are, Brian. My guitar case is jammed against my thigh.

BRIAN: I've got a cymbal stand sticking in my pancreas.

LANE: Guys, we are an hour out of Stars Hollow. Hang in there.

ZACH: God. The smell of that gas is making me hungry.

LANE: Gil, hurry!

GIL: I'm coming. [He closes the side doors and walks around to the driver's side.] All right. It's the last of the gas money, so this better get us home. [He starts the van.] Everybody, lean forward.

LANE: Gil, where'd you put the map? [Gil waves her off, spaced out a little.] You're okay to drive, right?

GIL: Yeah, sure, I'm just... [He trails off.]

ZACH: Dude, don't do that thing where you don't finish your sentences. It freaks me out.

GIL: I'll try. I'm just...

ZACH: Come on!

GIL: I guess I'm just weak from hunger. The guy I got gas from, I was talking to him and he suddenly turned into a giant turkey leg.

ZACH: Please don't mention food.

LANE: Let's think good thoughts, here, guys. Picture yourself at home, okay? Home at last. What's the first thing you're going to do?

BRIAN: Eat.

GIL: Wash my hair. Hug the kids, set them up in front of a Harry Potter movie, and then do my wife for like an hour.

LANE: Uh, look, guys, I've got an announcement. Kind of in my capacity as band manager, and I think it's going to cheer you up. A lot.

ZACH: What?

LANE: Well, as you know, each gig paid us a little something, and we stayed free at people's houses along the way, and we sold a decent amount of t-shirts, so besides food, which we consumed in moderation, there were days that we spent practically nothing.

ZACH: Yeah.

LANE: Well. I wanted us to come out of this tour with something. So I figured the best way to motivate us to save would be to fib a little on how much we had.

GIL: You fibbed a little?

LANE: Actually, a lot. But it paid off big, guys, because we're going home with, eh, over nine thousand dollars. [Everyone perks up and stares at Lane.] Huh? Nine thousand dollars! American dollars. Why aren't you guys jumping up and down?

BRIAN: Besides the fact that my spinal cord severed somewhere back on the ninety-five?

ZACH: And that we haven't eaten a full meal in over two months.

GIL: I thought we were broke.

LANE: See? See how it worked? And now we're reaping the rewards.

ZACH: Lane! We were starving!

BRIAN: We scrimped on everything. I stopped brushing my teeth because I couldn't buy toothpaste.

GIL: I've been washing my hair with bar soap.

LANE: But think about what we can do with the money. We can record. Make a CD! Nirvana made 'Bleach' for six hundred dollars! Even factoring in inflation, if we're on our game, we could make 'Bleach'. Ten times over.

BRIAN: Our own 'Bleach'.

ZACH: It would be very cool to record.

BRIAN: Very cool.

GIL: I think.... [He trails off again.]

ZACH: Dude. [He smacks his arm.] Come on. You've got to finish that sentence.

GIL: I can't talk and drive.

LANE: Then just drive, Gil. Thirty miles. Thirty miles to home.

[They high-five.]

 
LORELAI'S HOUSE - OUTSIDE
[Lorelai walks up to Luke and Tom, standing near the steps.]

LORELAI: Talking about how pretty I am again? Oh, get a new subject, boys.

LUKE: What are you doing home?

LORELAI: Well, I have to be at the inn late tonight so I thought I'd come feed Paul Anka, take him for a little walk, work out our crosswalk issues.

LUKE: Well, Tom here was just telling me -

TOM: It's not my fault!

LUKE: I wasn't going to say it was your fault.

TOM: Well, you've got that 'it's Tom's fault' tone in your voice.

LUKE: He's got to shut your water off for a couple of days.

TOM: We hit a pipe that shouldn't have been hit.

LORELAI: Tom!

TOM: Eh? See how fast the 'it's Tom's fault' tone is spread? [He walks away.]

LUKE: You can stay with me.

LORELAI: Okay. Well, I've got to get back to work. That wedding party's coming in tonight.

LUKE: I'll gather up some of your stuff.

LORELAI: Last time you gathered up some of my stuff you accidentally brought me four bras and no pants.

LUKE: That could have been intentional.

LORELAI: I will get my own stuff, thank you. [She starts to head inside, then turns back.] Oh, now I just have to figure out what to do with Paul Anka. You know, I've never left him alone so late before, and he might start doing that howling thing the neighbors are so fond of. But, oh, that's okay. So. Oh, you know, I guess I could just leave him here and I could come back and get him after work, which will be, oh, two, three, four in the morning. Boy. Late. Or I could drop him off at a kennel for a few hours. I know there's a good one in Woodbridge, twenty miles away. Of course, I'd have to leave now and pick up some dilithium crystals on the way, to fix the warp drive in my Jeep so that I could drive there and back in time to meet the wedding party back at the inn, but that's doable. Yeah. And then of course by the time I get off work and drive all the way back there, the kennel will definitely be closed, so I'd have to break in, and that would set off some kind of security system, and then I'd be arrested, so I should probably put a nail file in my shoe, and how much longer are you going to make me do this?

LUKE: I just wanted to see how long you'd go on.

LORELAI: Well, you know my babbling capabilities are infinite.

LUKE: I'll take the dog home with me, and points for the dilithium crystal reference.

LORELAI: Well, you sleep with geeks.

[TJ appears behind them. He sets down a bunch of bags of takeout. He doesn't look happy.]

TJ: Hey. I just talked to my buddy Tony Benzinos, a contractor over in Hartford, and he said contractors don't fetch lunches for the crew! They do however, get to answer the phone and they do get to sign for things and order things and Tom! There is no such thing as a Mystic Hammer! And after this very enlightening conversation, you know what I'm starting to think?

LORELAI: What?

TJ: I'm starting to think that I'm not really the contractor on this job!

LUKE: Look, TJ -

TOM: It's okay, Luke. I got this. TJ, we did this for your own good. We got you out of the house, you got paid, you didn't get hurt, look at it that way.

TJ: Oh yeah? That the way I'm supposed to look at it? Well, fine! You can keep your stupid phony contracting job! [He distributes the bags of food to the workers.] I'm through playing your patsy. I'm through running your errands. Hold on, that's no mayo. Here, Red. [He switches lunch bags.] I'm done! I quit! You can all kiss any part of me that reaches your general vicinity first! You have seen the last of me! So arrivederci, Roma! [He throws down the last bag.] And to repay you all for this lousy trick that you played on me, you can all reach in here and grab your own damn condiments! [He storms off.]

TOM: That's dinner!

 
LUKE'S DINER
[TJ sits at the counter with an empty milkshake glass in front of him.]

TJ: Hit me.

LUKE: That's your fourth milkshake, TJ.

TJ: Doesn't matter, Luke. It's not like I've got anywhere to go tomorrow.

LUKE: So you're not a contractor. Who cares? Neither am I. You don't see me crying about it.

TJ: I'm not crying about it. Anymore.

LUKE: It's not your thing.

TJ: Yeah. It's not my thing. I don't have a thing. I have nothing.

LUKE: You've got Liz. You've got your health.

TJ: I've got no dream. I've got no future.

LUKE: What are you talking about, you've got no future. [He points at the shelves TJ made.] Did you or did you not build these shelves?

TJ: I did.

LUKE: Those are great shelves, TJ.

TJ: Stop it.

LUKE: They are! There's some real craftsmanship that went into those shelves. Well-made, you've got some nice carved detail. That's a quality piece of merchandise and you made it.

TJ: Yeah, so?

LUKE: So you should be proud of that! Not everybody can do that! So you're not a contractor. You're a craftsman.

TJ: Wow. I'm a craftsman. Like Jesus. He built stuff for a while.

LUKE: Yeah. You're exactly like Jesus, that was my point.

TJ: Yeah. What am I getting so mopey about? I mean, I build shelves. [He stands up with the epiphany.] I'm a craftsman who builds shelves like Jesus. And, plus, my day rate has just gone way up!

LUKE: Yeah, but TJ, that was a contractor's rate you were being paid, not a shelf-maker's rate.

TJ: Yeah, but I wasn't really the contractor!

LUKE: I know, but that was - [He sighs and pats him on the back.] - Have a good night, TJ.

[He opens the door for TJ as he walks out.]

 
LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke enters and looks at Paul Anka on the floor.]

LUKE: Hey, just lying there, what a surprise. Make sure you grind that smelly butt of yours into the rug real good, get that aroma really locked into those fibers, there. [He sighs in frustration when he sees that Paul Anka got into the kitchen cupboards and left garbage all over the ground.] Oh, man. Wow, you are fun to have around. [He notices a wrapper for Baker's chocolate, all chewed up.] Oh, no! Oh, crap. [He takes off his watch.] God, tell me you didn't, tell me you didn't. [He crouches down and smells Paul Anka's breath.] Oh, geez. [He picks him up and runs out the door.]

 
STARS HOLLOW - OUTSIDE
[Luke runs down the street carrying Paul Anka. He runs through a small gate and up to a door, which he knocks on loudly.]

LUKE: Come on, hey, wake up! I've got a dog out here! [He leans against the porch railing to catch his breath. A sleepy-looking man opens the door.]

DOCTOR: Can I help you?

LUKE: The dog ate chocolate. And I don't know a lot about dogs, but I do know they shouldn't eat chocolate. I went to the animal hospital and they were closed and I called Babette and she told me where you lived, and you gotta do something! Because this is not my dog, this is my fiancée’s dog. She loves him. She named him Paul Anka, which may, on the surface, not seem like a sign of love but if you knew her you'd get it, and believe me, there's a lot of ways I could screw up this relationship, but I cannot lose her over the fact that I killed her dog.

DOCTOR: I'll get the ipecac. Come on in.

[Luke follows him into the house.]

 
THE RICH MAN'S SHOE BAR & GRILL
[Rory and Logan are having breakfast.]

RORY: So I told the guy, 'Hey, there is no way all these potatoes could have been peeled if I had waltzed in here at twelve.' He simply refused to believe me or credit me with the hours, so finally I just said, 'You know what? There is another soup kitchen down on Hadley, and they serve more vegetable than you do. So I would rather work there anyhow.' And I turned in my apron and I walked out.

LOGAN: Wow. Rough world, the world of community service.

RORY: Oh, you don't know the half of it. I've done a hundred and twenty five hours, so I've got a hundred and seventy five to go, which is a little off my goal, but not by much, so I can deal. I've got that candy stripers thing starting next week. I didn't really want that, but I had to take it because I was supposed to get on the zoo beat, which would have been gross, but great 'cause they'll let you do a double shift [Logan checks his watch] but they're always full. Weird, huh?

LOGAN: Very weird.

RORY: I'm boring you.

LOGAN: Far from it, I just have to go. I have to meet with my faculty advisor and convince her that this is the year I'm finally going to make something of myself.

RORY: Well, don't tell her about the cheese-rolling incident. She'll never believe you.

LOGAN: You want a walk back to your car?

RORY: No, I think I can make it by myself.

LOGAN: Okay. [He gets up and kisses her cheek.]

RORY: Okay.

LOGAN: Call you later?

RORY: Okay.

[She watches him go.]

 
LUKE'S APARTMENT
[Luke wakes up and takes his arm back from a still-sleeping Lorelai, gets up and pours himself a glass of water. Lorelai, waking up, reaches over for him and wakes up when he's not there. She sees him over at the sink.]

LORELAI: Hey.

LUKE: Hey. Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you. Go back to sleep.

LORELAI: No, it's okay. I like to watch you hydrate.

LUKE: Oh, man. When did you get home? I didn't hear you come in.

LORELAI: Yeah, you were conked out pretty good.

LUKE: Oh, yeah.

LORELAI: Both of you.

LUKE: Yeah.

LORELAI: How did it go with Paul Anka last night?

LUKE: Well, first off, he ate three pounds of unsweetened baking chocolate, so I had to rush him to the vet. [Lorelai looks worried.] To his house, because the animal hospital was closed. And he forced some sort of vomit-inducing medicine down Paul Anka's throat, and then Paul Anka proceeded to throw up for the next hour and a half. After that, I sat with him for another three hours, holding a bowl of water under his nose making sure he was re-hydrating properly. [Lorelai looks at him adoringly.] And then I chocolate-proofed the apartment and the diner, make sure that never happens again, and now I'm going to go downstairs and make Paul Anka some scrambled eggs, because the vet said that the kibble's going to be a little hard on his stomach for a couple days. Does he have any particular fear of cheddar? 'Cause I thought I'd throw that in to make it taste better.

LORELAI [thinks for a minute, then]: Luke.

LUKE: Yeah.

LORELAI: I don't want to set a wedding date until things are right with Rory.

LUKE [nods for a moment]: Okay.

[Lorelai sits up straight and sighs happily.]

LUKE: So, the cheddar is -

LORELAI: Okay.

[Luke smiles and heads down to the diner. Lorelai snuggles back into bed.]

 
YALE CAMPUS - OUTSIDE
[There is a large banner hanging on the wall that says "Welcome to Yale, Class of 2009". People are milling about. A group of new students are following an older student around.]

ORIENTATOR [wearing a Yale University t-shirt]: The dining hall hours are cast in stone. You snooze, you lose. And your school-issued ID's are your new best friends. Become inseparable. You'll be asked for it constantly, so give it a nickname and learn to commit. It operates the laundry room. It is your meal card. Every new student at Yale will learn the value -

[Rory smiles at the new students as she watches them walk by. She looks sad and wistful for a moment. Emily's voice breaks in and we cut to Rory standing solemnly, arms crossed, with a small group of older women at the DAR luncheon.]

EMILY: Every new member of the DAR will learn instantly the sense of camaraderie that has become synonymous with the DAR. As certified members of the Hartford chapter of the Daughters of the American Revolution, you will hold a very special and esteemed place in this community. But with that great esteem comes great responsibility. To your chapter, to your town and to your nation. This is a proud moment for me, as I, your president, welcome the new members of the Daughters of the American Revolution.

[Applause.]
________________________END_________________________

Transcribed by KRISTINA SMITH for http://www.twiztv.com