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"GILMORE GIRLS" and other related entities are owned, (TM) and © by AMY SHERMAN-PALLADINO AND DANIEL PALLADINO for DOROTHY PARKER DRANK HERE PRODUCTIONS and HOFFLUND/POLONE in association with WARNER BROS. TELEVISION. All Rights Reserved. This transcript is posted here without their permission, approval, authorization or endorsement. Any reproduction, duplication, distribution or display of this material in any form or by any means is expressly prohibited. It is absolutely forbidden to use it for commercial gain.
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TRANSCRIPT:
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PREVIOUSLY ON GILMORE GIRLS

RORY AND LOGAN'S APARTMENT

[Rory's cell phone rings. She flips it open and sits down.]

RORY: Hey, you!

[Scene cuts from there to Lorelai's bedroom, where she sits on the bed petting Paul Anka.]

LORELAI: Okay, so. Weird dream. Weird, weird dream.

RORY: Weirder than the one where you step into a boxing ring and your hands are suddenly giant cream puffs?

LORELAI: Weirder! Scarier!

RORY: Let's hear it.

[As Lorelai tells the story, scenes are shown from the dream.]

LORELAI: Well, I was home, and I was finishing up my usual morning routine, you know, coffee, shower, and then, picture this, very weird, I take Paul Anka for a walk.

RORY: You walk Paul Anka every day, what's weird about that?

LORELAI: Not the dog Paul Anka, the real Paul Anka.

RORY: Whoa!

LORELAI: Yeah.

RORY: Was he nice?

LORELAI: Very pleasant. Natty dresser. Then suddenly he sees something, a cat or something, and darts right into the middle of the street!

RORY: The real Paul Anka?

LORELAI: The dog Paul Anka. So I call him and call him but he completely ignores me and runs right into Doose's market.

RORY: You know you didn't train him well enough. Too much affection, not enough discipline.

LORELAI: So I go after him into Doose's and apparently he's got a job there!

RORY: The dog Paul Anka?

LORELAI: The real Paul Anka!

[Dream Lorelai enters the store. Paul Anka is wearing an apron and bagging groceries.]

DREAM PAUL ANKA: You've picked yourself some beautiful cucumbers, Mrs. Clancy. You have the cucumber eye.

LORELAI: So I run out of Doose's and I'm approaching Luke's apartment, I guess to get help or something, and I'm walking to the door and I open it and there's Paul Anka in front of a microphone giving a little concert!

RORY: The real Paul Anka.

LORELAI: The dog Paul Anka.

RORY: Couldn't have been happy, you interrupting his show like that.

LORELAI: He didn't notice. So I go down to the diner and there, lo and behold, is Paul Anka sitting on Babette's lap.

RORY: Please don't tell me it was -

LORELAI: The real Paul Anka!

DREAM BABETTE: Good boy! Who's a good boy?

RORY: This is crazy.

LORELAI: Coming to the end. So the real Paul Anka looks outside, and there, sitting in the middle of the street staring at him, is Dog Paul Anka.

RORY: Uh-oh.

LORELAI: So, Real Paul Anka gets up and runs out of Luke's. They're both in the street now. Real Paul Anka walking toward Dog Paul Anka, Dog Paul Anka toward Real Paul Anka. You can sense that something very bad is about to happen, when, suddenly, they meet in the street and bam! An other-worldly white light engulfs the whole town and there's a loud explosion, two barks, and everything goes dark!

RORY: And?

LORELAI: And then I woke up.

RORY: Wow!

LORELAI: Yeah.

RORY: Okay.

LORELAI: So I guess I was wondering if you'd heard anything about a small Connecticut town being sucked up into an evil demon vortex, or cast into the fourth dimension or anything,

RORY: Nope.

LORELAI: Real Paul Anka's still kicking?

RORY: Haven't heard otherwise. Check your hands?

LORELAI: No cream puffs.

RORY: I think you're good to start your day.

LORELAI: Thanks, hon.

RORY: Any time!

LORELAI: Bye!

[She hangs up and peeks at Paul Anka, asleep on the bed in front of her.]

OPENING CREDITS

LUKE'S DINER

[Luke's truck is parked out front. Luke walks out from behind the counter.]

LUKE: You're going to do fine.

CAESAR: Says you!

LUKE: And everybody else. You know the place backwards and forwards, Caesar.

CAESAR: You've never been gone this long!

LUKE: You're going to do fine!

CAESAR: Stop saying that. It's bad luck.

LUKE: All right, well then, you're going to stink. You're going to blow up the stove and give everybody salmonella.

CAESAR: Why do you say that?

LUKE: Because if it's bad luck to say good things, it's good luck to say bad things.

[Lorelai comes down from upstairs carrying a garment bag.]

CAESAR: You're rooting for me to fail.

LUKE: I am not rooting for you to fail! Lorelai, tell him he's going to do great.

LORELAI: And jinx it for him? No way.

CAESAR: Thank you.

LUKE: You're both nuts.

[Caesar returns to the kitchen.]

KIRK [sitting at the counter]: I could run the place if you want, Luke.

LUKE: Hm, let me search down to the very depth of my being to see if there's even the slightest inclination that I would want that. Nope.

KIRK: Just checking.

LUKE [referring to the garment bag]: What's that?

LORELAI: Oh, I brought it over last night. I figured you'd need it for hanging stuff.

LUKE: I'm not bringing hanging stuff.

LORELAI: Well, you should bring some nice clothes just in case. I threw in some slacks and your black jacket.

LUKE: It's a field trip with a bunch of twelve-year-olds. I'm not going to need nicer stuff.

LORELAI: Just in case!

LUKE: It's ten days of diners and fast food. Nothing requiring slacks or jackets.

LORELAI: See, that's what the phrase 'just in case' covers. The times you think you've anticipated every possible need!

LUKE: All right, I'll bring it.

CAESAR [rushing out of the kitchen]: You know there was a flash flood in El Salvador last night?

LUKE: No. My Salvadoran paper didn't come today.

CAESAR: They didn't see it coming!

LUKE: That's the flash part of 'flash flood'.

CAESAR: So what do I do if I see a flash flood coming straight at the diner?

LUKE: Make sure the all customers have settled up.

CAESAR: It's all a joke to you! [He returns to the kitchen.]

LORELAI [referring to Anna's bag]: So you're taking this, huh?

LUKE: Well, the old one's a mess.

LORELAI: Hm.

LUKE: Why, you don't think I should?

LORELAI: No, it's just - think it's sturdy enough?

LUKE: It should be.

LORELAI [banging the bag around]: Well, it's always best to take something that a gorilla could jump up and down on and not wreck.

LUKE: I don't think a gorilla has tested it, but if it busts, I'll just pick up something on the road.

LORELAI: That'll work.

LUKE: All right, I should get going. Anna's stuck at the house until I pick up April.

LORELAI: Well, let's get you on the road.

LUKE: Good timing, too. Caesar's in the back.

KIRK: Are you sure you don't want to reconsider my offer? I've got a hairnet on me, so I can start immediately.

LUKE: Offer declined.

LORELAI: You take that, I'll take this.

LUKE: Perfect.

[Luke takes the garment bag and Lorelai takes Anna's bag, crashing it into the door on the way out.]

LORELAI: Oh. Oops.

[Luke shuts the door.]

OUTSIDE

[Caesar chases after them waving a piece of paper.]

CAESAR: Whoa, hold on! Wait! Wait!

LUKE: He's unstoppable.

LORELAI: It's cute.

CAESAR: We need to confirm the itinerary!

LUKE: As we've done a thousand times before? Sure, let's confirm it.

CAESAR: Today's the kid's math contest in Newark.

LUKE: Yep.

CAESAR: In my day you learned two plus two and you stayed home. Today they got contests and go on the road like they're Metallica or something.

LUKE: And then tomorrow night's Philadelphia - [to Lorelai] - did I tell you we're dropping in on Jess?

LORELAI: Jess? No.

LUKE: Yeah, this place he works. They put out this 'zine and books and whatever else. They're having an open house and I'm taking April, it'll give Jess a chance to meet his little cousin.

LORELAI: Oh, Sounds great. So, anywhere in the back?

LUKE: Anywhere's fine.

[Lorelai tosses the bag aggressively into the truck.]

CAESAR: Okay, day six. If your cell dies? Is there a phone in Gettysburg that I can reach you at?

LUKE: Yeah, the one Grant used to call Lincoln. The number's in the book.

CAESAR: Oh, good, he's a funny man today! He's Jerry Lewis!

LORELAI: Caesar, calm down, you're going to do great. You're the best cook Luke's ever had. You so make better pancakes than he does.

CAESAR: True.

LUKE: No he doesn't!

LORELAI: You just have to be confident.

CAESAR: It's just that when I'm working the grill, sometimes I get a locked elbow. And Luke's the only one who knows how to rub it to get it working again.

LORELAI: He rubs your elbow?

LUKE: It's like a sports injury, it's okay if it's sports. [To Caesar] You want to step back about three feet so I can say goodbye to my girl?

CAESAR: Fine. [He steps back. Luke and Lorelai hug.]

LUKE: You going to miss me?

LORELAI: Especially if my elbow hurts.

LUKE: I'm going to call you a lot.

LORELAI: Same here.

LUKE: You know? I was happy when she asked me but now it just struck me. I'm going to spend ten days with a bus full of teenagers.

LORELAI: I think you're ready.

[They kiss.]

LUKE: Thanks for seeing me off.

LORELAI: Your pancakes are better, by the way.

LUKE: Thanks. [He heads to the truck.]

CAESAR: Don't worry, Luke, just a momentary panic. I'm going to be fine, I promise.

LUKE: Now go back in there and reclaim your turf!

CAESAR: Reclaim my turf? [He looks back into the diner. Kirk is pouring coffee for the customers.] Kirk! [He runs back inside.]

[Luke gets into the truck. Lorelai waves and then turns to watch the scene in the diner.]

CAESAR [inside]: What do you think you're doing, Kirk? You don't work here! [He steals his hairnet and runs away.]

KIRK [chasing him]: That's my favorite hairnet!

FIELD TRIP - OUTSIDE THE SCHOOL BUS

 

[Luke and April get out of his truck. People are milling around and children are hugging their parents goodbye.]

LUKE: I'm bad with names, so help me with the names.

APRIL: You ever use pneumonic devices?

LUKE: Uh, maybe.

APRIL: They help you remember things. Uh, like Curtis Strand, he's from Kurdistan.

LUKE: Really?

APRIL: No. He's from Detroit. That's a pneumonic device.

LUKE: Curtis Strand, from Kurdistan. Got it.

APRIL: Uh, Jamie Elvarado, likes to try avocados. May Shatsworth, hey, what's fat worth?

LUKE: All right, Shatsworth, fat worth, Elvarado, avocado.

APRIL: And those are your fellow grups.

LUKE: The what?

APRIL: Grown-ups. You never saw the original Star Trek?

LUKE: Oh yes! Grups! Yes, I did.

APRIL: The one in the cords is our math teacher, Mr. Munster. A good guy, he's a little nerdy. Likes to wow us with his Chris Rock impersonation. It's borderline racist.

LUKE: Well, let's leave the bags here, get the lay of the land first.

APRIL: Well, this is pretty much the land.

LUKE: There must be some kind of check-in point or protocol to follow, so just stick with me, okay? (As April runs onto the bus) Or you could just run on the bus, that's really good too.

EARL: Hello there. Are you our pilot?

LUKE: Your what?

KELLY: Are you the driver?

LUKE: Me? No, I'm Luke Danes.

EARL: Oh, you're Luke Danes. Sorry, we thought you were our driver.

LUKE: No, no, sorry, I - you know, I have nicer clothes than this. I won't always be wearing these.

EARL: That's okay. I'm Earl Stepton, this is Kelly Turlington, and you probably know Roy Munster, here. Your daughter's teacher?

LUKE: Actually, no. I'm April's new father. I mean, not new, but new to her, so, hey.

MR. MUNSTER: She's a bright one, your daughter.

LUKE: Go figure.

APRIL [leaning out the bus window]: Hey, Luke!

LUKE: Yeah?

APRIL: Some people in here are wondering who you are.

LUKE: Oh, well, go ahead and tell them.

APRIL: That's Luke.

KELLY: So here's the detailed itinerary.

EARL: Lunch stops, snack stops.

MR. MUNSTER: Wander time, exploring time.

KELLY: TV time.

EARL: Porn will be pre-blocked at all our lodgings.

LUKE: Okay, so no porn.

MR. MUNSTER: Study breaks, check-in appearance -

KELLY: Bedtime hours.

LUKE: So we go to bed at nine?

EARL: You don't have to.

LUKE: Right, but I can.

EARL: Sure.

LUKE: Okay, great.

MR. MUNSTER: Shall we get on board so they don't leave without us?

LUKE: Well, I still have my bags.

KELLY: Okay. See you on the bus.

LUKE: Okay, see you. [He turns back to the truck while the others board the bus.] All right, Kelly Turlington from Burlington. Roy Munster's a punster.

RORY AND LOGAN'S APARTMENT

 

[Rory is hurrying to get ready for something. Logan come out of the bathroom.]

LOGAN: Hey, you.

RORY: Hey.

LOGAN: You get in late last night?

RORY: I was studying.

LOGAN: Hm. Missed my class this morning.

RORY: Bummer.

LOGAN: Clock didn't go off. Thought I set it right.

RORY: Oh, I reset it. I had to catch up on some sleep. I didn't know you set it for early.

LOGAN: Honest mistake.

RORY: Maybe we should get a second clock.

LOGAN: That'd be wise. Will you be available to grab a bite later?

RORY: Maybe.

LOGAN: Can't see that far into the future?

RORY: It's crazy right now.

LOGAN: I'll check in with you later.

RORY: We'll see how it goes.

[She turns to leave. Logan catches her and gives her a kiss. She is reluctant.]

LOGAN: Have a good day.

RORY: You, too.

[She leaves.]

ON THE SCHOOL BUS

 

[The kids are singing the "Elements" Song. Luke is baffled.]

KIDS [singing]: There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium and phosphorous and francium and fluorine and terbium and manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium, dysprosium and scandium and cerium and cesium and lead, praseodymium, platinum, plutonium, palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium and tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium [Deep breath] And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium, there's sulfur, californium and fermium, berkelium and also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium and argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc, and rhodium and chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin, and sodium. These are the only ones of which the news has come to Harvard and there may be many others but they haven't been discovered. [They laugh and clap.]

LUKE: What was all that?

APRIL: It's all the chemical elements.

MARCIA: At least the ones that have come to Harvard.

LUKE [points to a kid who is reciting numbers]: Any idea what's going on here?

KID: - four two zero one nine nine five six one one five -

APRIL [rolls her eyes]: That's Frank.

MARCIA: Huge show-off.

APRIL: Always rubbing our faces in the fact that he knows the first three hundred digits of Pi.

LUKE: Of course.

APRIL [to Marcia]: Hey, did you bring my sweater?

MARCIA: I think so.

APRIL: It's important, Marcia. I need that sweater.

FREDDY: What is it, your lucky sweater?

APRIL [scornfully]: No, Freddy.

MARCIA: Hey, is Munster going to wear that creepy lucky tie of his at competition?

GIRL: Oh, God, I hope not.

MARCIA: Supposedly there's lucky underwear to match.

APRIL: Oh, mental image be gone.

MARCIA: I heard he lives with his mother.

GIRL: I heard he plays the trombone for fun.

FREDDY: He's a liar, too. He says he's a Red Sox fan but he didn't even know they traded Damon.

LUKE: Really? He didn't know Damon is with the Yankees now?

FREDDY: Nope.

LUKE: You see Steinbrenner made him cut his hair?

FREDDY: Yeah, he looks way less scary.

LUKE: Less intimidating to pitchers. It's going to shave twenty points off his batting average.

[Freddy smiles and turns around. April looks embarrassed.]

LUKE: Hey, what's that kid's name?

APRIL: Freddy. His name is Freddy.

LUKE: Freddy, Freddy, apple brown betty. Nice kid.

APRIL: Yeah, well, I should study.

LUKE: You got it.

[April takes out her books. Luke looks pleased with himself.]

DRAGONFLY INN

 

[Lorelai enters and speaks to a couple who are waiting in the living room.]

LORELAI: Mr. and Mrs. Moore, your horses are saddled and ready. Now, Cletus is very gentle but they're both sweethearts. Rob is outside to help you get started.

MRS. MOORE: Thank you.

LORELAI: Okay, have fun. [They leave. Mrs. Kim appears behind Lorelai, holding a garment bag.] Mrs. Kim, hi!

MRS. KIM: You let women ride horses?

LORELAI: Yes.

[Mrs. Kim frowns disapprovingly. Lorelai frowns back, unapologetic.]

MRS. KIM: I have a request.

LORELAI: What?

MRS. KIM: This is a wedding dress. It's the dress I wore when I married Mr. Kim twenty-eight years ago.

LORELAI: Hm, khaki with a big zipper down the middle? Fashion is a fluctuating thing, huh?

[Mrs. Kim frowns.] Oh, oh, the dress is inside!

MRS. KIM: Right. I would like Lane to wear it at her wedding.

LORELAI: Oh, how nice!

MRS. KIM: It's a tad big. Lane is smaller than me. It might need a hem and the sleeves should be shortened.

LORELAI: Makes sense.

MRS. KIM: I would like you to alter it for Lane.

LORELAI: Well, of course, I would love to.

MRS. KIM: Lane would like that too.

LORELAI: Anything for her!

MRS. KIM [hands off the dress]: Alterations should be minor. Just take it in a little here and there and that should do it.

LORELAI: Okay, I'll give Lane a call and bring her in for a fitting.

MRS. KIM: Not necessary, here's her height and arm length. It's all you need.

LORELAI: All right, I'll get right on it.

MRS. KIM: Thank you. Do they at least ride sidesaddle, the women?

LORELAI: Yes, every single one of them.

MRS. KIM: Good.

[Mrs. Kim leaves. Lorelai unzips the bag and gasps in shock.]

YALE DAILY NEWS

 

[Rory distributes some papers to workers. She stops at Paris's desk and holds up a jar.]

RORY: Uh, Paris? What's going on here?

PARIS: I just need ten more minutes. I took a 'delete boring answers' pass on my interview with Professor Woodington and ended up with a tidy sixteen-word piece. His wife must want to suck a tailpipe every night. I'm putting stuff back in now.

RORY: And with the big jar of disgusting insects?

PARIS: Oh. They're fruit flies. I'm finishing an important paper on population genetics and I have to monitor how often Drosophila melanogaster do the nasty.

RORY: Gross.

PARIS: Complain to God, not me.

RORY: Well, do you have to bring them into the newsroom?

PARIS: Well, I can't just leave them home. They could escape and infest my apartment.

RORY: Meaning they could escape and infest the newsroom.

PARIS: At least no one sleeps in the newsroom. And if they bring food, and flies get in the food, maybe that's how they'll learn to follow the 'no food in the newsroom' rule.

RORY: We don't have that rule.

PARIS: We should.

RORY: Get them out of here.

PARIS: I need nine minutes.

RORY: Paris.

PARIS: Eight and a half. Come on. You want the interview, I've got to keep typing.

RORY: Okay. Nine minutes.

PARIS: Thanks.

[Logan approaches as Rory leaves Paris's desk.]

LOGAN: Hey, Chief, got a minute?

RORY: Um, a minute.

LOGAN: I'm a little confused about something.

RORY: How can I help?

LOGAN: I was working on the piece about textbook prices. You assigned it to me a couple of weeks ago?

RORY: Uh-huh.

LOGAN: It wasn't going to earn me my Pulitzer, but I put a lot of work into it and I just checked the server and noticed that a piece on the same topic's been written.

RORY: Yes, it has been.

LOGAN: Our wires get crossed?

RORY: Nope.

LOGAN: Who wrote it?

RORY: I did.

LOGAN: Why?

RORY: It's topical. It affects every student. It's an important story, I wanted to be sure that it would get done.

LOGAN: It wasn't due for two more days.

RORY: I didn't think you'd meet the deadline.

LOGAN: Based on what?

RORY: Based on past performance.

LOGAN: Past performance is no indication of future performance.

RORY: Wise men call that a sucker's maxim.

LOGAN: I did a lot of research on this thing. I interviewed textbook publishers, I interviewed authors, I was going to get more quotes from students.

RORY: I know. I used your research. A lot of it came in handy.

LOGAN [sarcastically]: Really?

RORY: The stuff that I could make sense out of.

LOGAN [just as sarcastically]: Good.

RORY: Look, you'll get your byline if that's what this is about.

LOGAN: You know that's not what this is about!

RORY: I thought I was doing you a favor!

LOGAN: Everyone knew I was assigned that piece and now they know it's been taken away from me.

RORY: Logan, I'm sorry. It's as you said. Our wires got crossed, it happens, let's move on.

LOGAN: Okay. We'll move on. [He walks away, but stops at Paris's desk, holding up the jar of flies.] And what's with this?

PARIS: Keep walking, whitey.

LOGAN: You let fruit flies in the newsroom?

RORY: It's not hurting anybody.

LOGAN: It's disgusting.

PARIS: I just need five more minutes.

RORY: Don't rush, Paris. [She glares at Logan.] The fruit flies are not hurting anybody, and Paris is working on something that I'm waiting on. I would prefer it if she weren't interrupted.

LOGAN [staring her down]: Sorry, Paris.

[He leaves. Rory sits down at her desk.]

SNACK 'N' SODA - FAST FOOD STAND

 

[Luke carries trays of food, delivering meals to kids.]

LUKE: All right, guys, just remind me, who's allergic to dairy?

KID [raising his hand]: Here.

LUKE: Here you go, no mayo. Who's allergic to wheat? [A girl raises her hand.] Here you go, Tori, bound for glory. And who's low-sodium?

FREDDY: Right here.

LUKE: There you go, Apple Brown Betty Freddy, no salt. [He finishes with the meals and sits down with April and her two friends.]

APRIL [uncomfortable]: Uh, hey.

LUKE: Hey. You know, I'm still mad about that math competition.

APRIL: Eh, you win some, you lose some.

LUKE: Those buzzers in the countdown round were rigged, I know they were. The judges were on the take.

APRIL: Uh, he's called a moderator, actually.

LUKE: Yeah, well, whatever they are. I'm lodging a protest.

APRIL: Luke, could we talk for a sec?

LUKE: Sure.

[She leads him to a different picnic table.]

LUKE: What's up?

APRIL: You know Freddy?

LUKE: Yeah, good kid.

APRIL: Well, I like him.

LUKE: Oh. Well, I like him too. He seems less insane than the others.

APRIL: I don't mean 'like him', the way you like him. I hope.

LUKE: You've known him longer.

APRIL: And I'm a girl.

LUKE: I know that.

APRIL: And he's a boy...

LUKE: I know that too. [April nods.] Oh! You like him!

APRIL: Shh!

LUKE: Sorry!

APRIL: I am not quite ready to proclaim it to the world just yet.

LUKE: Are you old enough to like a boy?

APRIL: I'm not sure.

LUKE: I'll have to look it up in a book, see whether you're supposed to like boys yet or not.

APRIL: Well, it's a fact either which way.

LUKE: Okay, so, what do you want me to do?

APRIL: For starters, it would help if you stopped calling him Betty.

LUKE: Right.

APRIL: And you sitting next to me all the time is kind of getting in the way.

LUKE: Oh, geez, I didn't realize.

APRIL: I know, you're pretty oblivious.

LUKE: It seems like Freddy -

APRIL: Don't look at him!

LUKE: Sorry! It just seems like you pay less attention to Freddy than any of the other boys.

APRIL: It's because I like him.

LUKE: You like him, so you ignore him?

APRIL: That's the way it works!

LUKE: But you're always palling around with Kevin.

APRIL: Kevin makes me sick.

LUKE: I'm confused.

APRIL: You're over-thinking this.

LUKE: I must be.

APRIL: Don't look at him!

LUKE: I'm sorry! [He sighs.] I guess I shouldn't be sitting next to you, then, huh?

APRIL: Maybe not.

LUKE: Guess I'll go sit with the parents.

APRIL: I think that's a good idea.

LUKE: Okay. Well, you want to go back together, or should we stagger it a little.

APRIL: Give me a four second head start. [She gets up.]

LUKE: You got it. [He sighs again.]

RORY AND LOGAN'S APARTMENT

 

[Rory comes home and finds Logan at the pool table with Finn, Colin and Robert.]

LOGAN: The bottle is dry!

COLIN: You cannot be out of Wild Turkey!

LOGAN: I've got everything under the sun! Pick one and stop nagging.

COLIN: You cannot be out of Wild Turkey!

LOGAN: No matter how many times you tell me I'm not out, it doesn't change the fact that I'm out.

FINN: Hands! [He shoots the cue ball toward the other end of the table, which is covered by a bunch of papers and Robert's hands.]

ROBERT: Jerk!

RORY: Hi, everyone.

COLIN: Hey, Rory. Get yourself a drink. Anything but Wild Turkey.

RORY: I'm okay.

LOGAN: Yeah, forget it. She doesn't drink on school nights.

RORY: I sometimes do.

COLIN: I'm getting a sense that the woman of the house had no idea we were going to be here.

FINN: Okay that we're here, Love?

LOGAN: Of course it's okay.

FINN: Logan, I haven't called you 'Love' since that sultry night in Birmini.

RORY: It's fine that you're here, guys. You're always welcome. What's with the maps?

COLIN: Graduation is imminent, Rory. So we are planning the ultimate Life and Death Brigade event.

FINN: Not only the ultimate, but the penultimate!

COLIN: Penultimate means next to last, Finn. This is the last one.

FINN: I thought it meant super-ultimate.

ROBERT: How did you get into Yale?

FINN: Slept with a recruiter.

RORY: So, what's the stunt?

COLIN: We're flown on a two-engine plane to a remote spot in Costa Rica. We don parachutes. Base-jump off a cliff whose height is -

ROBERT: Exactly thirty-six hundred and twenty-four feet. Unless that's a two.

COLIN: We land on the banks of the San Juan River.

FINN: Hopefully not in the river.

ROBERT: Or on the Nicaraguan side of the river.

LOGAN: Or in Panama.

COLIN: We inflate a raft, white-water three miles down to a meeting point where a blow-out party will take place.

ROBERT: It's a two, gents. I'm pretty sure it's a two. Or an eight.

RORY: Where do you get the inflatable raft?

LOGAN: One of us will parachute with it in our packs.

FINN: Not me, I've got the DVD player.

COLIN: Not me, I've got the champagne and the bong.

ROBERT: If I take it, it'll crush the cigars.

LOGAN: Stand down, boys. I'll jump with the raft.

RORY: You're planning this all very carefully, right?

COLIN: We have a topographical map expert in our midst. [He points at Robert.]

ROBERT: It's a three. I'm ninety percent sure.

RORY: Why don't you make extra sure you have the right number, there, Robert.

LOGAN: Hey, let the man do his thing!

RORY: Well, I would, if the man doing his thing weren't drunk and hadn't forgotten to put on his reading glasses.

ROBERT: Oh, my God, I'm not wearing my glasses.

COLIN: They flew off when you did that impression of the old guy getting shot by Dick Cheney.

RORY: Who's flying this twin engine airplane? And who's suppling the parachutes? I mean, there must be a weight limit to make that jump, right? Do you guys know what the weight limit is?

LOGAN: So you came home just to piss on the fun?

RORY: No. I came home because I live here. [She crosses her arms and looks away.]

COLIN: You know, guys, maybe we should resume our planning another time.

LOGAN: Yeah, I guess maybe we should.

ROBERT [picks up the maps]: I'll never be able to re-fold these.

COLIN: Just grab 'em and let's go, Robert.

FINN: Okay if I return this another time?

LOGAN: Sure.

[They leave.]

RORY: Go with them if you want.

LOGAN: Is it your life's mission to embarrass me at every opportunity?

RORY: It's Robert, Colin and Finn, Logan. I've seen them all dance naked with their underwear on their heads. There's no embarrassing you in front of them.

LOGAN: Well, you embarrassed me tonight.

RORY: How? By pointing out that the stunt you're planning doesn't exactly sound safe?

LOGAN: It's called the Life and Death Brigade, Rory.

RORY: Yeah! And you're supposed to try to avoid the death part.

LOGAN: This is not your business! And why aren't you at the paper? You're always at the paper at this time of night.

RORY: I finished early.

LOGAN: How? You delegate a little? Let people actually write their own articles?

RORY: That's old news.

LOGAN: It's not old news! You knew that would embarrass me and you didn't care!

RORY: Please!

LOGAN: Even when we're together, you're someplace else. You leave and you don't kiss me goodbye. We're at dinner and you're on your cell phone the whole time! You never leave notes anymore about where you're going to be so I have no idea where you are! You haven't forgiven me.

RORY: What are you talking about?

LOGAN: For the girls I was with when we were separated.

RORY: I said I forgive you!

LOGAN: Yeah! You said it! But you haven't, though. You haven't.

[Rory glares at him.]

LOGAN: I'll be at the pub.

[He leaves.]

STARS HOLLOW STREET

 

[Lorelai is walking down the street. Land runs around the corner, chasing after her.]

LANE: Lorelai!

LORELAI: Hi, Lane!

LANE: You're in possession!

LORELAI: Of what?

LANE: Of the wedding dress.

LORELAI: Oh, um, yeah. It's safe and sound. I was just starting to dig into it.

LANE: Don't dig! Slice! Kill! Maim! Destroy! Sick a mad pack of wolves on it, douse it with lighter fluid and turn it into ash. I cannot wear that dress.

LORELAI [diplomatically]: Yeah, I know, it's a little old world -

LANE: Have you looked at it?

LORELAI: Parts of it.

LANE: Exactly, you cannot take it in all at once. The human eyeball is not capable.

LORELAI: Oh, it's not that bad.

LANE: It's got pants!

LORELAI [gasps]: No!

LANE: You didn't look at it very carefully!

LORELAI: Well, I will remove the pants.

LANE: Oh, it's every girl's dream to hear the woman altering her wedding dress say 'I'll remove the pants'.

LORELAI: I'm sure once I alter it a little -

LANE: No, don't alter! Have an accident. Leave a warm iron on it. Spill a vat of acid on it, run your car over it!

LORELAI: Lane, Lane, I haven't even put it on the mannequin yet. Now let me start work on it and I will keep you fully posted on it, every step of the way, and - Oh my God!

LANE: What? My mom?

LORELAI: No! My mom and dad - I thought I saw something!

LANE: Well, focus, focus! [She snaps wildly in front of Lorelai's face.] Important topic we're discussing here!

LORELAI: All right. I gotta run. I'll call you later!

LANE [frantic]: Lorelai!

[Lorelai leaves her, running across the street, looking for her parents. She sees them go around a corner as Lane catches up.]

LANE: I'm not above bribing!

LORELAI: God, Lane, don't sneak up on me like that.

LANE [waves some bills at her]: It's all about the Hamiltons, baby.

LORELAI: You can't pay me to ruin your dress!

LANE: Look, forget about your parents for a minute and concentrate on this.

LORELAI: Wait, you saw them too? I'm not insane?

LANE: They've been walking around town all morning.

LORELAI: All morning? Any guess as to why?

LANE: Shred the dress, and I'll tell you.

LORELAI: Do you really know why?

LANE: No.

LORELAI: Well then I'm not going to ruin the dress.

LANE [sighs]: Well, I did see them talking to Kirk earlier.

LORELAI: Kirk?

LANE: Yeah, and he was wearing his maroon jacket.

LORELAI: Ah, his real estate jacket. This is not good. This is not good! [She walks away.]

LANE [calls after her]: My life is in your hands! I don't think you're fully comprehending that fact!

RORY AND LOGAN'S APARTMENT

 

[Logan zips up a travel bag. He hears Rory behind him but he doesn't turn around.]

LOGAN: I guess I'm going.

RORY: Okay.

LOGAN: I'll be out of cell phone range for a couple days.

RORY: I know.

LOGAN [sighs and hesitates for a moment, then walks toward the door.] I'll see you.

[The door closes.]

DARK OLD HOUSE

 

[Lorelai enters the dark, dirty, abandoned-looking house.]

LORELAI: Kirk! [She walks in a ways.] Kirk!

KIRK [sitting at a small table]: Mask!

LORELAI: What?

KIRK: Mask!

LORELAI: What is this?

KIRK [handing her a dust mask]: I've done it, Lorelai, I've finally landed my first listing.

LORELAI: Wh- where are my parents?

KIRK: This is the beginning of my rise to the top of the real estate industry.

LORELAI: Where are my parents?

KIRK: Do you happen to be in the market for a house? Because this baby's a honey. [Something makes a noise.]

LORELAI: Something in the corner just moved.

KIRK: Just a rat. I'd have told you about them before you bought the place. The law also requires me to inform you that the house has toxic mold, asbestos, methane gas, buckling floors, a crumbling foundation, visible fungus, a collapsed fireplace - [A large piece of plaster falls from the ceiling right next to Lorelai] - ceiling damage, water damage, and it was the recent site of a Wicca convention and a particularly grisly murder-suicide. Nothing we can't work with.

LORELAI: I'm not in the market. Kirk, listen. I know my parents are shopping for houses. Lane saw you with them, and I need to know where they are right now.

KIRK: I'm sorry, that's confidential information. In fact, the fact that I was with them was confidential. I'm going to have to ask you to pretend that I haven't already confirmed that I was with them. Which I wasn't.

[Lorelai hears a flapping sound above her and gasps.]

LORELAI: What was that?

KIRK: Bat. Don't worry, when you spray for cockroaches the bats die too. Usually. At the very least, it knocks the wind out of them so they wind up wobbling on the floor so you can just whack them with a hammer. Nothing we can't work with.

LORELAI: Kirk, I am your friend but they are my parents and I need to find them right now, it's important!

KIRK: Well, I shouldn't tell you this, but I know they were looking at two properties on Maple Drive, they're probably around there right now. Too bad I couldn't get them interested in this property. It has great bones. Literally. There's an Indian burial ground underneath it.

LORELAI: Thanks. See ya!

[She rushes out.]

KIRK: Don't run, it scares the bat!

[Some more plaster falls from the ceiling as he puts his dust mask back on.]

RORY AND LOGAN'S APARTMENT

 

[Rory enters, sorting through the mail. She finds something that interests her and opens it, smiling.]

STARS HOLLOW

 

[Lorelai walks sneakily across the street and hurries up next to her parents, trying to surprise them.]

LORELAI [gasps dramatically]: Mom! Dad! [They jump back, startled and looking guilty.] Wow, what are you doing here?

EMILY: Lorelai!

LORELAI: Hey! Did we have something set up?

RICHARD: Uh, no.

EMILY: No.

RICHARD: No.

LORELAI: No, then what's up?

RICHARD: Oh, well, we're here to, um -

EMILY: Do a little antiquing.

LORELAI: Antiquing.

RICHARD: Right, antiquing.

EMILY: We're hitting Litchfield, Woodbridge, Washington Depot.

LORELAI: Well, we have some great antique stores right here in little old Stars Hollow.

RICHARD: That's what brings us.

LORELAI: So you've been to Madison House?

EMILY: Where?

LORELAI: Madison House! Oh, amazing stuff. Lots of colonial. It's not in my price range, but I love to browse around. I'll take you there right now.

RICHARD: Oh, uh, I don't know if now is such a good time.

EMILY: We have an appointment to keep.

LORELAI: An appointment? Huh. I thought you were just walking around shopping.

EMILY: We are, we made an appointment at an appointments only antique shop.

LORELAI: We have those here?

RICHARD: Well, obviously you do, because we have an appointment with one.

LORELAI: Huh. Well, I'll go with you.

RICHARD: They're only expecting two of us.

LORELAI: Well, they can squeeze in one more, huh? I promise I won't break anything. Come on, take me there.

EMILY: It's actually not for a while, so we can't take you there right now.

LORELAI: Perfect! Then we'll hit Madison House first. It's just a ten minute walk. Come on.

RICHARD [hesitates]: All right. Lead the way.

LORELAI: Cool. [They begin walking.] You know, I'd say let's drive, but our streets - forget about it!

EMILY: What about the streets?

LORELAI: Oh, well, they're clogged. Night and day, yep, total gridlock. It's not going to help when they build that big box store.

EMILY: They're building a box store?

LORELAI: Oh, yeah, right in the center of town.

RICHARD: Those things are hideous!

LORELAI: Yeah. It's going to wipe out all our local businesses, this place will be a ghost town! Oh, hold your breath. [She holds her breath for a moment, then waves, gasping.] Oh, sorry. Sewer problems.

RICHARD: Your public health department needs to be notified!

LORELAI: They're on strike. Well, they're always on strike. [She coughs.] Excuse me.

EMILY: Allergies?'

 

LORELAI: Meth lab. [She continues coughing. Richard and Emily glance at one another.]

[Various establishing shots of Philadelphia.]

JESS'S SHOP

 

MATTHEW: We need our own bar.

JESS: You say it like I'm fighting you. I'm not fighting you.

CHRIS: Same here.

MATTHEW: We need a public place where the next de Kooning can run into the next Franz Klein and dis the next Jackson Pollock while the next Charlie Parker shoots up in the corner.

JESS: So a nice family place. [He pats him on the arm.]

MATTHEW: I'm not kidding. We'll call it... Cedar Bar Redux.

JESS: I would kick my own ass if we called it that.

CHRIS: Why don't we call it 'Devoid of Original Ideas Poser Bar'? [Jess laughs.]

MATTHEW: Go to hell. Both of you. [He stalks off.]

JESS: Hey. Come back for a hug, man!

CHRIS: Hey, there's Alicia Matheson from the weekly.

JESS: Oh! Grab Matthew, get him off the bar thing. Have him show her around, do what he does best.

CHRIS [scoffs]: Cedar Bar Redux.

JESS: Yeah. [He looks over and sees Luke looking at an abstract painting. He walks over, shaking his head.] So my eyes don't deceive me.

LUKE: First things first. What the hell is that?

JESS: It's an abstract painting.

LUKE: Well, what is it supposed to be?

JESS: Check the title.

LUKE: I did, it's called 'Untitled'.

JESS: There you go.

LUKE: I give up.

JESS: So you got the invite.

LUKE: I got the invite.

JESS: Guess I didn't think you'd come.

LUKE: You guessed wrong, nephew.

JESS: Cool. So you want the tour?

LUKE: Give me a tour.

JESS: All right, well, this is where we work. Truncheon Books. There's usually desks and crap piled up everywhere but we cleaned up for today. Those are the books that we put out. We publish our 'zine once a month, except last August when my partner forgot to pay the printer. We let local artists hang their stuff up without ripping them off on commissions, we do performances over there, and a few of us live upstairs, and that you don't want to see. It's a disaster zone.

LUKE [examining a book]: This is yours, right?

JESS: Yeah.

LUKE: I wanted to get it, but I couldn't find it.

JESS: It's not exactly the Da Vinci Code.

LUKE: Well, I will definitely get it today.

[Jess nods.]

LUKE: By the way, that is your cousin. [He points over at April, who is leafing through a magazine.]

JESS: Right. Liz filled me in on all that. Daddy.

LUKE: She just calls me Luke. Total brain.

JESS: You confirm paternity?

LUKE: Don't be a wiseass. Hey April! I want you to meet somebody. [She walks over.] Meet your cousin Jess. He's my sister's kid.

APRIL: Hi.

JESS: Hey.

APRIL [after a moment]: Men in this family aren't chatty.

JESS: Sorry.

APRIL: I'm going to go explore a little more.

LUKE: Cool. [She leaves.]

JESS: How are you adjusting to all that?

LUKE: Okay, I guess. I like her. And she just sort of tolerates me.

JESS: Seems like it.

LUKE: Thanks for the perspective.

JESS: It's why I'm here. Come on, I've got some sculpture over here you're really going to hate.

STARS HOLLOW

 

[Lorelai walks along with Richard and Emily trailing behind her.]

LORELAI: Woo! [She waves in front of her nose.] Garbage smell.

EMILY: What garbage smell?

RICHARD: I don't smell garbage!

LORELAI: Yeah, the wind shifted right after I said it. Allowing a landfill within a mile of city limits? Crazy!

RICHARD: It's within a mile?

LORELAI: Yeah. Destroying everyone's land values. Oh, well, where'd you park?

RICHARD: Over on Peach Street.

LORELAI: Oh, you mean Carjack Lane?

EMILY: Carjack Lane?

LORELAI: Yeah, better than Chop Shop Alley. Here, follow me. Oh, God, watch out for the pothole! [She jumps over it.] I tell you, the roads are just the things in between potholes in this town!

EMILY: Oh dear.

RICHARD: You should talk to your mayor about all these issues, Lorelai.

LORELAI: You mean Gropey McGee? I cannot, will not ever put myself in that position again. Mind if we stop by the store?

[They walk into Doose's Market.]

LORELAI: Well, I'm running low on a lot of basics, I just want to see if they got them in.

EMILY: This is a cute little store.

LORELAI: Well, if you can be cute and unclean at the same time. All right, let's see. [She walks through the aisles, pointing at empty spaces.] No, no, no. Nope, and is the only store in town.

EMILY: What are you looking for?

LORELAI: Ha, what am I looking for? Everything. They have nothing. The little they have is off brands, which wouldn't be so galling except everything is so far past its expiration date. Hey, help yourself to some Little George's chips. Yum, yum. Little George - pass. Oh, and look, here we have some Aunt Molly's ice cream. You'll notice there is no picture of Aunt Molly on the carton. I Googled her and got a mug shot, and all I could think was, I hope she hasn't been selling that stuff to kids.

TAYLOR [appears by her side]: Excuse me. Lorelai, what are you doing?

LORELAI: Shopping, Taylor, why?

TAYLOR: You're walking around, disparaging my store, and not only is that insulting, it is against the law.

LORELAI: Against the law?

TAYLOR: Code fourteen slash B slash fourteen triple backslash X hyphen eight states that a citizen of Stars Hollow cannot denigrate Stars Hollow while standing on Stars Hollow soil. It was established in 1792. The original penalty was death by forty muskets.

LORELAI: Really, Taylor, you misheard me.

TAYLOR: You made a crude joke about Aunt Molly!

LORELAI: Well, you've got to admit, Aunt Molly had it coming.

TAYLOR: I don't joke about Aunt Molly.

LORELAI: Can you say BTK?

TAYLOR: As town mayor, I could cite you on the spot!

RICHARD: This is Gropey McGee?

[Lorelai shushes him discreetly.]

TAYLOR: I beg your pardon?

RICHARD: Oh, no -

EMILY: Oh, look at the time. Excuse me, all, will you? [She heads out the door.]

LORELAI: Oh, Mom, Mom, where are you going?

EMILY: I'm just going to - get something out of the car.

LORELAI: No, Mom, Mom, you don't know the safe streets! You walk down the wrong one, you die!

[Richard and Taylor stare at her.]

LORELAI [annoyed]: Commence writing me up, Taylor.

TRUNCHEON BOOKS

 

[An artsy guy is reading poetry aloud.]

POET: Benzedrine and a muscled fist. Turn to hand, turn to hand out, turn to fish and loaves and a lazy day in Galilee. Herman Melville, poet, customs officer, rubber stamps and Hawthorne daydreams craving Tahiti and simple sun and the light of the Berkshires.

LUKE [whispers to April]: Is this any good? [April makes the so-so hand signal.]

[Jess and Matthew walk down the stairs.]

MATTHEW: I don't know what she's going to write.

JESS: You're not supposed to know what she's going to write. She's a member of the independent press.

MATTHEW: She played it so close to the vest, you know? I hate that.

JESS: Go get a beer, stop obsessing.

[He turns away and sees Rory standing there.]

JESS Well, isn't this a day of surprises.

[Rory shrugs, smiling. They look at each other. After a commercial break, Rory walks toward him.]

RORY: I didn't RSVP. Sorry.

JESS: Ah, this isn't an RSVP type thing. Showing up's cool.

RORY: Good thing. [Admiringly] So this is Truncheon books.

JESS: Yeah, this is Truncheon.

RORY: I like it. It makes me feel like I instantly want to create something. Give me a pen, give me a brush. [She points out Luke, surprised to see him.] Luke!

JESS: Yeah, there's a definite "Jess Mariano, this is your life" vibe here today.

[They walk over to Luke who is looking at another abstract painting.]

JESS: Hey, Luke.

LUKE: Bicycle?

JESS: No.

LUKE: Rory, hi. What are you doing here?

RORY: Same thing you're doing here.

APRIL: Your books are really easy to skim.

JESS: Thanks. That'll make a nice blurb.

LUKE: I was going to take off, actually.

JESS: Uh, I've got to get something. Don't leave 'till I get back, I'll just be a minute.

LUKE: Okay.

APRIL [to Rory]: You have a great face.

RORY: Thanks, so do you.

LUKE [awkwardly]: Yeah, uh, Rory, this is April.

RORY: Oh! April. Hello, there, April. [They shake hands.]

APRIL: Hi.

RORY: The famous April.

APRIL: I'm famous?

RORY: Kind of.

LUKE: Uh, April, Rory's an old friend.

APRIL: She doesn't look old.

LUKE: I mean, I've known her, well, since she was your age. She's from Stars Hollow. She's actually the daughter of the woman I'm with. My fiancée. Lorelai. You met her that one time - it's kind of complicated.

APRIL: I'll say.

LUKE: You probably want to get back to that boyfriend of yours, right?

APRIL: He's not my boyfriend. [She rolls her eyes.] Jeez.

JESS [reappears]: Hey, Luke. Come here. [They step away from the girls. He hands Luke a copy of his book.] Here.

LUKE: Oh, let me buy this, so that way you would get the money.

JESS: Ah, it's okay. [He gestures to the book. Luke pulls a check out of it.]

LUKE: What's this?

JESS: It's what's owed.

LUKE: You owe me nothing.

JESS: I owe you. Take it, and if you rip it up, I'm just going to send you another.

LUKE [sighs]: I'm very proud of you. Of this - of what you're going for here. I don't get all of it, but... I'm me.

JESS: Thanks.

[They hug and return to Rory and April.]

APRIL: All I said was that I liked him, and I realized it was a mistake as soon as I said it.

LUKE: We should get going.

APRIL: Nice meeting you.

RORY: Nice meeting you, too. Good luck with everything.

LUKE [to Jess]: Good luck with this, congratulations.

JESS: Thanks. See you.

APRIL: Bye.

[They leave. Jess laughs to Rory.]

JESS: So are you here alone?

RORY: I guess.

JESS: Cool. Come on.

LUKE'S DINER

 

[Lorelai enters followed by Richard.]

LORELAI: Oh, well, we'll be lucky if we get a table. There's absolutely nowhere else to eat in town, and even being Luke's fiancée doesn't guarantee me a meal when I want one.

CAESAR [walking by]: Oh, great. More customers.

RICHARD: Well, there seem to be a few tables available.

LORELAI: None of the good ones, unfortunately. All right, you phoned Mom, told her to meet us here. What, is she late?

RICHARD: No. She's right there.

[Emily is in the corner playing cards with a little girl with dark braids and glasses.]

LORELAI: Oh! All right. What is wrong with this picture?

RICHARD: They're playing cards.

LORELAI: Yes, I can see that, but who is that she's playing with?

RICHARD: I have no idea. Do they have ham here?

LORELAI: Ham? Sure.

RICHARD: Get me a ham and swiss on rye, dry, nothing on it.

LORELAI: What - where are you going?

RICHARD: I - I'll be back in a bit.

LORELAI: Dad. Dad?

[He has left.]

EMILY: Do you have any eights?

CISSY: Go fish.

EMILY: Oh, you! I was sure you had eights. Hi, Lorelai.

LORELAI: Hi, Mom. Whatcha doing?

EMILY: Oh, Cissy and I are playing Go Fish. She's good, too. It's your turn.

CISSY: Do you have any Jacks?

EMILY [hands her a card]: Unbelievable! She's won three games in a row, she's a little champ.

CISSY: I keep getting lucky.

EMILY: It's not luck. You said she was smart, but this is something else. You get to go again.

LORELAI: Oh my God. Mom?

CISSY: Do you have any threes?

EMILY: No. Go fish.

LORELAI: Mom, who do you think this is?

EMILY [smiling sweetly]: Luke's daughter.

[Lorelai sighs and looks down.]

EMILY [smile fading]: Isn't it?

LORELAI: No.

EMILY: You're not Luke's daughter?

CISSY: Uh-uh.

EMILY [stands up, indignant]: I don't believe this! This isn't Luke's daughter?

LORELAI: Definitely not Luke's daughter.

EMILY: And here I was bonding with it! Who is this? Who are you?

CISSY [frightened]: Um -

LORELAI: Never mind, honey. Do you live close by?

CISSY: Two blocks.

LORELAI: Okay. Why don't you go on home, where it's safe?

CISSY: Okay. [She gets up and leaves.]

EMILY: You're telling me I played this insipid game for half an hour and it's not even Luke's daughter?

LORELAI: What made you think it was Luke's daughter?

EMILY: Well, it told me it was someone's daughter here!

LORELAI: Well, she must have meant someone in town!

EMILY: Well then she's a moron! Why would I play cards with her, if there wasn't a family connection?

LORELAI: I guess she just thought you were being nice!

EMILY: The little idiot kept tipping her cards so I could see them, so I pretended I didn't and specifically asked for what I knew she didn't have. Kid's a moron.

LORELAI: Okay, Mom, she's gone now.

EMILY: Is it so stupid to think that she's Luke's daughter? She looks like Luke!

LORELAI: Mom, you can trust me that there will be no contact between you and Luke's daughter any time soon.

EMILY: What does that mean?

LORELAI: It means that I don't even see her. Luke and I have an arrangement.

EMILY: What kind of arrangement?

LORELAI: Well, he - I mean, you know, we mutually decided that I probably shouldn't have any contact with her.

EMILY: What? That's ridiculous!

LORELAI: No. It is what it is - it's what we want.

EMILY: Lorelai, you and Luke are in a relationship. You're going to be husband and wife, and Cissy's his daughter!

LORELAI: No, no, that was Cissy. April is his daughter.

EMILY: You know what I mean! You have to have a relationship with this girl, it's imperative!

LORELAI: Mom, you don't know the whole story!

EMILY: But I know your handiwork when I see it. Playing cautious when you should be diving in. That girl is his blood relation and you need to get to know her. You'll be in her life for the rest of your life.

LORELAI: Mom, it isn't just me!

EMILY: I can't believe Luke is letting you get away with this. The sooner you embrace your role in this girl's life, the better off you'll be. Mark my words. Where's your father?

LORELAI [gloomily]: He ran off to something.

EMILY: That's right. We had another appointment. I'll find him. Then we have to leave. He needs to get back to work.

LORELAI: All right, goodbye, Mom.

EMILY: Goodbye. [To Caesar]: You! You could have told me that wasn't Luke's daughter! [She walks out.]

CAESAR: I hate customers!

TRUNCHEON BOOKS

 

[The guys are standing around the staircase. The event seems to be wrapping up.]

CHRIS: All I'm saying is, control your poet.

MATTHEW: So, suddenly he's my poet.

JESS: He changed up on us. He wasn't supposed to premiere new material tonight.

MATTHEW: It wasn't bad.

CHRIS: It was ramble-y.

MATTHEW: It was a little ramble-y.

CHRIS: Well, what was that whole part about desiring Golda Meir?

JESS: Please, tell me that was symbolic!

MATTHEW: I'll talk to my poet. [He leaves.]

CHRIS [to Jess]: Hey, we're hitting that bar that we're not going to call Cedar Bar Redux. You coming?

[He looks over at Rory, who is the last person there. She is sitting and reading. He hesitates.]

JESS: Yeah, maybe. Uh, go on ahead. I'll catch up.

[Chris leaves. Jess walks over and sits across from Rory.]

JESS: You know, you don't have to read it again.

RORY: I know I don't.

JESS: There are so many things I would change in it.

RORY: Like what?

JESS: I'd - keep the back cover. Everything else goes.

RORY: You know why I love your book?

JESS: Why?

RORY: It doesn't remind me of anything. It's not a rip-off, it's just you.

JESS: High praise, Miss Yale Editor.

RORY: Yeah, well, I don't get to write as much as I would like. I'm mostly assigning and motivating, hand-holding and re-writing.

JESS: Yeah, and you love it. Every minute of it. Come on, tell me you don't.

RORY: I do. I do love it. It's exciting.

JESS: You look happier than when I saw you last.

RORY: I am.

JESS: So... you fixed everything?

RORY: Yeah. Everything's fixed.

JESS: I'm glad you're here.

RORY: Yeah, me too.

[He leans in and kisses her. He reaches out to pull her closer, but she breaks away.]

JESS: What?

RORY [gets up]: I'm sorry.

JESS: About what?

RORY: Uh, about coming here like this. I just got the flyer, and, I don't know, I just wanted to see your place, but then - this. It's not fair to you, I'm such a jerk.

JESS: I don't know what you're talking about.

RORY: I couldn't even cheat on him the way he cheated on me.

JESS [angry]: Who? Who cheated on you? [He realizes.] That - guy?

[She nods sadly. He covers his face with his hand.]

JESS: You're still with him.

RORY: Yeah.

JESS: I thought everything was fixed.

RORY: Everything but him.

JESS: I hate this!

RORY: You should. I'm sorry.

JESS: You came here alone. To Philadelphia.

RORY: He was out of town.

JESS: I don't deserve this, Rory.

RORY: No, you don't! You don't deserve it! I just - I'm in love with him. Despite all the bad he's done, I can't help it. I'm in love with him.

JESS: Love, huh?

RORY: Yeah.

JESS: I guess I'll call Matthew's poet and have him explain love to me. Poets know all about it, right?

RORY: Supposed to. Well, I guess I'd better go.

JESS: Okay.

RORY: I'm so sorry I came here.

JESS: I'm not. It's what it is. You. Me. Where'd you park?

RORY: Oh, I'm right outside.

[She walks to the door.]

JESS: Hey, if, uh, if it makes you feel better you can always tell him that we did something.

RORY [smiles]: Thanks, Jess.

[She leaves.]

SCHOOL BUS

 

[Luke is sitting at the front of the bus with the grown-ups.]

KELLY: You know what I thought? I thought an apple stop would be fun today.

EARL: Ooh, great idea.

MR. MUNSTER: The banana stop was a big hit yesterday. I don't see how an apple stop could fail.

LUKE [distant]: Yeah, they loved the banana stop.

KELLY: So I have these pamphlets for the kids to read about Amish country. Should we hand them out now?

EARL: I think that's a good idea.

LUKE: Oh, I'll do it. I've got something for April here so I was about to sneak back there anyway.

KELLY: Thank you, Luke.

LUKE [gets up]: Hey, everybody, sorry to interrupt. I've got some pamphlets here, a little info on Amish country. They've got some pictures, but we're going to see it, so you don't have to look at the pictures. It's got stuff to read, too, so. [He hands them to a kid near the front.] Go ahead and pass the rest around, there. [To April] I thought you might need your sweater. [He gives it to her.] Okay, then. [He looks at her.] See ya. [He turns to go back to the front.]

APRIL [to her friend]: My dad's ridiculously over-protective.

FRIEND: Ridiculously.

[Luke smiles proudly as he walks away.]

LORELAI'S HOUSE

[Lorelai holds a cup of coffee as she contemplates Lane's very hideous dress. The Sparks' "Angst in my Pants" plays loudly. She lifts up the skirt to reveal the pants beneath and stares at it for a few more moments. She tosses her cup of coffee onto the dress and smiles triumphantly.]

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Transcribed by KRISTINA SMITH for http://www.twiztv.com