\ Christopher Returns /

CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE
[Rory’s putting blankets on the couch for Christopher]
RORY: He looks good don’t you think?
LORELAI: He looks good.
RORY: I like his hair shorter.
LORELAI: Short is nice.
RORY: Do you think he’ll stay long?
LORELAI: Wouldn’t bet a lot of money on it.
RORY: Maybe we can get him to stay for a couple of weeks.
LORELAI: Absolutely - by weighting him down with blankets.
RORY: I just want him to be comfortable.
LORELAI: He’s gonna come and go as he pleases babe, you know that.
RORY: Yeah, I know.
LORELAI: And no amount of bedding is gonna change that.
RORY: Yeah, but he’s never been to Stars Hollow before.
LORELAI: I know.
RORY: Well that means something’s gotta be different right?
LORELAI: Why don’t you just enjoy the time you’ve got ok?
RORY: [pause] Yeah, ok. I still think something is different though.
CHRISTOPHER: [coming down the stairs] That is the worst shower I have ever had. Water pressure keeps changing every two seconds. I’m fixing it tomorrow.
LORELAI: Hey you stay away from my shower.
RORY: We ordered chinese food. It should be here any minute.
CHRISTOPHER: Good, I’m starving.
LORELAI: Here [handing him a cup of coffee]
RORY: Hey, how’s Diane?
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, Diane is ancient history.
RORY: When I met her at Easter you said she could be the one.
CHRISTOPHER: The one to be gone by Memorial Day.
RORY: You’re worse than mom.
LORELAI: Low blow.
CHRISTOPHER: Can’t keep a feller happy?
LORELAI: Oh I keep them happy. I keep them very happy.
RORY: Ok, now. Don’t get gross.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah you’re upsetting us.
RORY: I’m gonna go study before the food gets here.
CHRISTOPHER: What? Tomorrow’s Saturday.
RORY: I know, I like to get my weekend homework done and out of the way by Saturday night so then I can do extra-credit stuff on Sunday [leaves]
LORELAI: Don’t look at me.
CHRISTOPHER: She’s a great kid Lor. I wish I could say I see more of myself in her other than we have similar left ear lobes, but she’s all you - chip off the old....perfect block.
LORELAI: Why the hell are you here?
CHRISTOPHER: Behold the queen of the subtle transition.
LORELAI: Why are you here?
CHRISTOPHER: You’re gonna force me to lawyer up officer.
LORELAI: Christopher.
CHRISTOPHER: Ok look. I’ve been making some changes, especially my career and I think I finally have all my ducks lined up in a row.
LORELAI: You’re opening a shooting gallery.
CHRISTOPHER: I’ve been tying up loose ends in my life.
LORELAI: Do they make that much string?
CHRISTOPHER: You know you’ve always had that verbal thing, quick mind - it’s annoying.
LORELAI: So you’ve been tying up loose ends.
CHRISTOPHER: I don’t know how much your dad has told you but I’m on the verge of kind of a big success, it’s for real this time. I’ve got a company with an actual cash flow, I’ve got employees, I’ve got an accountant for God’s sake. He wears a tie and says words like ‘fiduciary’ and ‘ironically’. I mean it’s for real this time Lor.
LORELAI: I would love to believe it is.
CHRISTOPHER: [sighs] Why does your dad have more faith in my than you.
LORELAI: My father hit his head surfing Rincon a couple of years ago. His judgement’s a little off.
CHRISTOPHER: So you have zero faith?
LORELAI: I’ve known you since I was six Chris. You’re the guy that crashed his Porsche two hours after his parents gave it to him for his 16th birthday.
CHRISTOPHER: And you were the girl in the Pinky Tuscadero t-shirt sitting right next to me.
LORELAI: Horrified.
CHRISTOPHER: Think again.
LORELAI: Alright, having a blast then horrified.
CHRISTOPHER: Just listen to me will you?
LORELAI: I’m listening to you. Your life’s back on track, I think that’s great. And I appreciate you coming all the way out here, for the very first time might I add, to tell us that.
CHRISTOPHER: I didn’t come out here just to tell you that.
LORELAI: No?
CHRISTOPHER: [sighs] There’s some things I need to do....to take care of.
LORELAI: Like?
CHRISTOPHER: I haven’t been enough a part of Rory’s life. So I wanna be around more, to be a pal she can depend on. I mean I’m not crazy, I know there’s already a life going on here and God knows she doesn’t need anyone besides you but....if you give me a chance....
LORELAI: I’ve always had the door to Rory open for you.
CHRISTOPHER: I know.
LORELAI: You’ve hardly ever used it.
CHRISTOPHER: Well I wanna use it now. Is that ok?
LORELAI: Of course it is.
CHRISTOPHER: Good.
RORY:[coming into the living room] Hey, I forgot to ask you. Tomorrow morning I’m going to a softball game, do you wanna come?
CHRISTOPHER: You....play softball?
RORY: [laughing] Uh, no.
LORELAI: [laughing] You? Play softball? Good one.
CHRISTOPHER: Well ok, who’s game is it?
RORY: It’s my friend Dean’s.
CHRISTOPHER: Dean?
RORY: Yeah Dean. The game starts at 9:00.
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, sure. It’s a date. [Rory leaves. To Lorelai] She has a Dean?
LORELAI: She has a Dean.
CHRISTOPHER: How did this happen?
LORELAI: Well a single-celled organism crawled out of primordial ooze and that pretty much lead to Dean.
CHRISTOPHER: I need a beer.
LORELAI: Hey.
CHRISTOPHER: Yes dear?
LORELAI: [chuckles] There’s a lot more than an earlobe resemblance there.
CHRISTOPHER: Good. Hey, thanks for the door thing.
LORELAI: Thanks for wanting it.
CUT TO SOFTBALL FIELD
[Luke’s pitching and Dean’s in the on deck circle]
DEAN: [to batter] You got it, you got the next one. Don’t worry about it. [batter strikes out]
CHRISTOPHER: So which is your Dean?
RORY: That’s him over there.
LUKE: Ok, we’ve got two outs.
RORY: And that’s Luke.
CHRISTOPHER: Luke’s the diner guy?
RORY: Yes. We eat there practically every day.
LUKE: Looks like we got out number three coming to the plate guys. [as Rory and Chris sit in the bleachers in front of Kirk]
DEAN: I’d send your boys a little farther into the field Luke.
LUKE: Why? Will they have a better view of you whiffing?
DEAN: You know, the only way I’m not hitting it, is if you don’t have the strength to get it over the plate.
KIRK: The truth of the matter is that you can’t pitch [pointing to Luke] and you can’t hit [point to Dean]. So this’ll be a terrific match up.
LUKE: Knock it off Kirk.
KIRK: A historic lack of action.
LUKE: Don’t you have anything better to do with your Saturdays?
KIRK: What can I say, I’m addicted to comedy. [to Rory and Chris] Half an hour they been playing and it’s tied zero - zero. [louder] Hey if you ever take this show on the road I got a name for you, zero and zero. Dean Zero and Luke Zero - get it?
LUKE: Doesn’t even resemble clever.
KIRK: I’m dumbing it down for you Alfalfa.
CHRISTOPHER: How long do these games last?
RORY: Till they get tired. And then they say the first team to get a run wins.
KIRK: Yeah, it’s real professional down there. Hey Luke, does your husband play softball too?
LUKE: Alright that’s it. [starts for the bleachers]
KIRK: Um....I’m getting a page. I’ve gotta go. [jumps off the bleachers and starts running.]
[Dean comes over to Rory]
DEAN: Hey.
RORY: Hey. Dean this is my dad. Dad, this is Dean.
CHRISTOPHER: Dean.
DEAN: Uh, nice to meet you.
CHRISTOPHER: Same here.
DEAN: So do you live in the area?
CHRISTOPHER: No I had some time so I rode my bike out from Berkley.
DEAN: Really? What do you got?
RORY: [proudly] It’s a 2000 Indian.
DEAN: I got an ’86 Suzuki.
CHRISTOPHER: Nice!
DEAN: Yeah.
LUKE: Dean come on!
DEAN: I gotta go. [to Rory] I’ll see you later. [to Christopher] I was nice meeting you. [runs onto the field]
CHRISTOPHER: So that was a Dean?
RORY: That was a Dean?
DEAN: [to Luke] Hey, uh, next run wins alright?
LUKE: [sighs] Yeah alright.
CUT TO INN KITCHEN
[Michel and Sookie are laughing as Lorelai enters]
LORELAI: Wow!
SOOKIE: Wow what?
LORELAI: Wow! I have never seen you two enjoy a pleasant moment together.
SOOKIE: Oh come on.
MICHEL: Oh you have seen us enjoy a pleasant moment!
LORELAI: No, not ever.
MICHEL: Oh you are being absurd.
SOOKIE: You have to admit, they are few and far between.
MICHEL: Through not fault of mine.
LORELAI: I’m just saying, it’s refreshing you know? It’s not the usual ‘Grr’ that’s all.
SOOKIE: Through no fault of yours? I’m sorry, but you’re the one that’s so....I don’t know.
MICHEL: Oh I think you do otherwise you wouldn’t have started saying it.
SOOKIE: Just yourself - caustic.
MICHEL: You mean obnoxious.
SOOKIE: You’re words not mine.
MICHEL: Go to hell [leaves]
LORELAI: Oh no, I’m just saying it’s refreshing to see you two just - oh yeah.
SOOKIE: You - get in here and tell me the happenings at home.
LORELAI: I’m assuming you mean ‘did we get our toaster fixed’ and no, it’s been cold pop-tarts for a week, it’s like a damn Dicken’s novel.
SOOKIE: I’m not talking about the toaster, I’m talking about the man.
LORELAI: Ah.
SOOKIE: So what’s it like having him around the house all the time?
LORELAI: Well it’s, um, a little weird. We have fewer clean towels than usual.
SOOKIE: Come on give me something. Tell me how you feel, I’m dying here.
LORELAI: Honestly, I’ve been trying to figure out how this makes me feel since he asked me to take off my shirt the other day.
SOOKIE: Excuse me?
LORELAI: No, it was a - kind of a ‘hello’ kind of thing.
SOOKIE: Wow. He’s smooth.
LORELAI: Yeah. I mean I have not seen this man since last Christmas right. We hear from him maybe once a week - maybe. And then all of a sudden he’s here in my town and Rory’s running around all excited and he’s sleeping on the couch and I’m thinking ‘should I be mad, should I send him to a hotel’ but then he smiles and it’s....Christopher.
SOOKIE: Here. [handing her a biscotti]
LORELAI: I mean not matter how many years go by, no matter how long I don’t see him for, whenever I do, it’s always....Christopher. What do I do with this? [holding up biscotti]
SOOKIE: Dunk. Go on.
LORELAI: [sighs] This man knows all my secrets. All of my bad girl moments happened with him - my worst fashion choices, my big hair days, the wearing of the Bonnie-Bell lipsmackers around my neck - it was all with Christopher.
SOOKIE: So do you think you two will -
LORELAI: No.
SOOKIE: Oh well that’s convincing.
LORELAI: I don’t know I - he wants to be involved with Rory. He wants to spend more time with her, be a pal.
SOOKIE: It’s about time.
LORELAI: Yeah that’s good.
SOOKIE: Yes.
LORELAI: Yeah - if it’s true.
SOOKIE: And if it’s not?
LORELAI: Then it’s [sighs] Christopher.
CUT TO STREET
[Rory’s showing Christopher around town]
RORY: This is the town flower shop. Um, over there is a good pizza place. That’s the stationary store and that’s Al’s Pancake world.
CHRISTOPHER: Good pancakes?
RORY: Oh he doesn’t serve pancakes.
CHRISTOPHER: Ok.
RORY: He switched to international cuisine a couple of years ago, and dropped the pancakes. He would’ve changed the name but he had already printed like a million napkins with the original name so he just kept it.
CHRISTOPHER: What kind of international cuisine?
RORY: He kind of hops around. Last month it was his salute to Paraguay.
CHRISTOPHER: Anyone salute back?
RORY: Not really.
MISS PATTY: Rory! Honey! How are you sweetie?
RORY: Great. Miss Patty, this is my dad, Christopher.
MISS PATTY: Your dad.
CHRISTOPHER: Nice to meet you.
MISS PATTY: You’re Rory’s father, well, well, well. You know Christopher, we’re all like Rory’s parents around here and I’m one of her mothers. And since you’re her father, well that would make us....a couple. [laughing] A couple of what I don’t know.
RORY: Ok, well we’ve got to be going.
MISS PATTY: Yes well, come back and see me.
CHRISTOPHER: I will.
MISS PATTY: [laughing] Bye. [As Rory and Chris cross the street she takes out her cell phone and dials]
[As Rory and Chris pass the market]
TAYLOR: Well you must be Rory’s father.
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, yes I am.
TAYLOR: Taylor Doose, grocer to Stars Hollow.
CHRISTOPHER: Very nice to meet you. [they keep walking. To Rory] News travels fast around here.
RORY: Yes it does. [behind them you see Taylor dialing.]
CHRISTOPHER: Bookstore. Good. Come on.[they enter. Jackson and Andrew are there]
JACKSON: Hey, hey Christopher! Jackson Melville.
CHRISTOPHER: Hello.
JACKSON: Boy I gotta tell you, did they get your description wrong.
CHRISTOPHER: Really?
JACKSON: Oh yeah, much more George Clooney than Brad Pitt. Hey Andrew.
ANDREW: Yup.
JACKSON: Don’t you thin he’s much more George Clooney than Brad Pitt?
ANDREW: I’m going with the Billy Crudup comparison myself.
JACKSON: Really?
ANDREW: Oh yeah.
JACKSON: I don’t see it. Well maybe from the side. Hey do you mind?
[Jackson grabs him and turns him from one side profile to the other]
CHRISTOPHER: What? Uh, no, not at all.
JACKSON: Well there’s a little Crudup in there. Huh, well it’s nice to meet you, whoever you look like.
CHRISTOPHER: Nice to meet you. [tugs at Rory as they go down an aisle] Ok, I’m kidnapping you and getting you out of here.
RORY: They all mean well.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, I’m sure all lunatics have the best intentions. Ok, so I hear you like books.
RORY: Why yes I do.
CHRISTOPHER: Well I would like you to pick something out and let my buy it for you.
RORY: Dad you don’t have to buy me anything.
CHRISTOPHER: Come on, what’s the book of your dreams right now?
RORY: Well that would definitely be the Compact Oxford English Dictionary, but dad -
CHRISTOPHER: Excuse me - one Compact Oxford English Dictionary please.
ANDREW: Ok.
RORY: Dad no, it costs a fortune.
CHRISTOPHER: You need something to remember this visit by.
ANDREW [bringing a very large and heavy book] Here you go.
CHRISTOPHER: Holy mother. This is the monolith from 2001.
RORY: It has every word ever recorded in the English language plus origins and earliest usage.
CHRISTOPHER: You sure you wouldn’t rather have a car, they weigh about the same. Here you go. [handing over a credit card]
RORY: This is so nice of you.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, well I’ve got a lot of things to make up for.
RORY: No you don’t.
CHRISTOPHER: Yes I do.
ANDREW: [whispering] Uh, I’m sorry Christopher, your credit card has been rejected.
CHRISTOPHER: Rejected? What are you talking about?
ANDREW: I could run it through again if you’d like.
RORY: Yes.
CHRISTOPHER: Uh, no. He doesn’t need to run it throug hagain.
RORY: Oh, ok.
CHRISTOPHER: Could you maybe hold that for us? I’ll come back tomorrow with another card.
ANDREW: Sure Chris, no problem.
CHRISTOPHER: Thanks. Come on. [they leave the bookstore. Outside] Now you’ll really remember me.
RORY: I didn’t want it that much anyways.
CHRISTOPHER: Hey, listen, don’t tell your mom about this ok?
RORY: Ok.
JACKSON: [standing with his back to them talking to a group of people] Yes it is her real dad. He seems very nice. Kind of a folky, poppy, urban, scruffy look to him. And obviously there’s some money mixed in there because he’s got that you know, money nose. And - [someone clears their throat. Jackson turns around and see Rory and Chris standing there. He touches his touque and runs off. ]
CUT TO LUKE’S
[Lorelai sitting at a table]
LUKE: So Rory was at the game today.
LORELAI: Oh yeah.
LUKE: Yeah she was with some guy.
LORELAI: Dean.
LUKE: No, I know that punk. Some older guy.
LORELAI: Oh, that would’ve been her dad.
LUKE: Really? So that’s uh....
LORELAI: The guy who impregnated me with Rory - yes.
LUKE: Oh, well, he did a good job.
LORELAI: Impregnating me with Rory?
LUKE: Now this has taken a very weird turn.
LORELAI: Yeah.
[Rory and Chris enter]
RORY: Hi.
LORELAI: Oh hi, where were you? [as she kisses Rory]
CHRISTOPHER: Well we saw Al’s Paraguayan pancake house, we were stalked by several towns people and apparently I look like Billy Crudup.
LORELAI: You do not.
CHRISTOPHER: Take it up with Jackson. [phone rings]
LORELAI: Ah, ah, ah, ah,. Hey, hey, hey, hey. [points to the no cell phone sign]
CHRISTOPHER: Hello? Emily!
LORELAI: Emily?
CHRISTOPHER: [whispers] It’s your mother.
RORY: Hi Grandma!
CHRISTOPHER: Uh-huh [pause] Well actually I’m sitting here with your girls. [pause] Sure. [to Lorelai, handing her the phone] She wants to speak to you.
LORELAI: Mm. Hi mom.
GRANDMA: Lorelai, Christopher’s in town!
LORELAI: [gasps] What?! I didn’t know! Although coincidently I’m sitting across an amazing Christopher hologram.
GRANDMA: Well I had this wonderful idea. Christopher’s parents are in town too. You remember Straub and Francine don’t you?
LORELAI: Ah yes - the Schnickelfritzes.
GRANDMA: The who?
LORELAI: The Hayden’s.
GRANDMA: Well I called them up and invited them to dinner. They said they are free to join us all on Friday night.
LORELAI: Join us all?
GRANDMA: Yes. You, Rory, Christopher, your father.
LORELAI: That’s quite a gathering mom.
GRANDMA: Well I should say so. We haven’t all been together since the two of you were children. And Straub and Francine haven’t seen Rory since she was a baby.
LORELAI: Yeah I know but -
GRANDMA: It’ll be like a wonderful reunion - all of us together again. I never thought it would happen.
LORELAI: Yeah, me either.
CUT TO GRANDMA’S HOUSE
[The three of them standing in front of the door]
LORELAI: [sighs] I’ve gotta see my parents.
CHRISTOPHER: [sighs] I’ve gotta see my parents.
RORY: Ladies and gentlemen, the drama king and queen of Connecticut.
[They enter using a key]
LORELAI: Hello? Anybody home?
GRANDMA: Oh my God! You’re here. Christopher, look at you!
CHRISTOPHER: Emily, as always perfect.
GRANDMA: I am so glad to see you, I didn’t hear the doorbell.
LORELAI: We didn’t ring the doorbell.
GRANDMA: You let yourselves in?
LORELAI: It’s ok mom, look, not a rapist among us.
RORY: Hi Grandma.
GRANDMA: You usually knock.
LORELAI: Not since you gave us a key.
GRANDMA: That is for emergencies.
LORELAI: Well mom, I’m starving to death. Is that enough of an emergency for you?
GRANDMA: Well, Richard’s in the living room, come on in. He’s dying to see you.
LORELAI: [whispers to Chris] It’s a setup giving me that key. It’s a key, it meant to be used, it’s my parents house. Shut up.
CHRISTOPHER: Sorry.
GRANDPA: Well here they are.
RORY: Hi Grandpa.
GRANDPA: Hello Rory. Lorelai. Christopher old boy how are you? My gosh it’s good to see you!
CHRISTOPHER: How are you Richard?
GRANDPA: Well I’m better than most, not as good as some.
CHRISTOPHER: And annoyed with all.
GRANDPA: Aha! You speak the truth young man! I have made martini’s. So Christopher, tell me about your business.
GRANDMA: Oh Richard, let the poor boy relax.
GRANDPA: Well I simply want to find out how it’s going.
CHRISTOPHER: It’s uh - it’s going great Richard. I’m almost afraid to jinx it by telling you good it’s going.
GRANDPA: Oh, that is wonderful. I always knew you had it in you. You have a splash of greatness as my mother would say. You’ve always had that splash of greatness.
LORELAI: Mm. I’d like another splash of greatness if you don’t mind.[getting another martini]
GRANDMA: Oh Richard. Isn’t Rory the spitting image of Christopher?
GRANDPA: I just hope you inherit your father’s business sense also my dear.
GRANDMA: I know one thing for sure- you certainly have your father’s musical talent.
LORELAI: Oh, wait just a minute.
GRANDMA: What?
LORELAI: Mom, neither of these two have any musical talent.
CHRISTOPHER: Hey, I play guitar.
LORELAI: You know the opening lick to ‘Smoke on the Water’.
CHRISTOPHER: And I’ve since mastered the opening like to ‘Jumping Jack Flash’.
GRANDPA: I’m a....Chuck Berry man myself. [Lorelai laughs almost spitting out her drink] Something wrong?
LORELAI: I would never have guessed that that last sentence would ever come out of your mouth.
GRANDPA: And why not?
LORELAI: Chuck Berry?
GRANDPA: Yes, Chuck Berry. He was all the rage when I was in school.
LORELAI: So we’re talking pre-‘My-ding-aling’?
GRANDPA: I believe I am.
GRANDMA: Do you remember when you two were what - ten and you put on that adorable show for us.
LORELAI: What show mom?
CHRISTOPHER: Lucy, Schroeder, you laying on the coffee table.
LORELAI: You pretending it was a piano. God, why is that remembered?
GRANDMA: Because it was such a wonderful production.
LORELAI: I don’t know if it was a production mom. It was just one song.
CHRISTOPHER: ‘Suppertime’.
GRANDMA: Did you write that? That was really very good.
LORELAI: Dad, that’s from ‘You’re a good man Charlie Brown’ It’s a famous musical.
GRANDPA: Well I thought Christopher might have written it, he’s a very talented man.
[Doorbell]
GRANDMA: That would be Straub and Francine. [leaves to answer the door]
LORELAI: [whispers to Rory] Ha, ha your turn.
GRANDPA: I haven’t seen your parents in quite a number of years. We were practically inseparable for a while. [leaves]
CHRISTOPHER: I remember that.
RORY: This is weird. These are my other grandparents. I don’t even know them. What do I call them?
CHRISTOPHER: Call’em what I call’em - ass-
LORELAI: Chris....
CHRISTOPHER: Sorry, my tie’s too tight.
LORELAI: Just, uh, call them Straub and Francine. Call them Mr and Mrs Hayden. Sir and Ma’am? Why don’t you just avoid calling them anything.
GRANDPA: Look who’s herre.
CHRISTOPHER: Hello mother, pop.
STRAUB: Christopher.
FRANCINE: Christopher, hello.
LORELAI: Mr and Mrs Hayden, long time no see.
FRANCINE: Lorelai. You look well.
LORELAI: I am thanks. You remember Rory. You haven’t seen her in quite a while.
STRAUB: No we haven’t.
FRANCINE: I think she was just beginning to speak in complete sentences.
LORELAI: So not for two years then. [Hayden’s look at her] She’s obviously been talking a long time so I was making a humorous comment sometimes referred to as a ‘joke’.
STRAUB: I see you haven’t changed Lorelai.
LORELAI: No, not at all.
FRANCINE: Rory, hello.
RORY: Hi. [she curtsy’s]
LORELAI: [whispers] Did you just curtsy?
RORY: [whispers] Shut up.
LORELAI: [whispers] Sorry, milady.
GRANDPA: Uh, Straub, Francine, how about a martini?
STRAUB: Please.
GRANDPA: Well Straub, how is retirement treating you?
GRANDMA: Yes do tell us about the Bahamas.
STRAUB: You can get an entire island there for the cost of a decent house here.
GRANDPA: Really?
STRAUB: How about you Richard, any thoughts of retirement crossing your mind?
GRANDMA: Oh Straub, if only you could talk him into it. I’ve given up.
GRANDPA: We’re very pleased about Christopher’s business success out in California.
STRAUB: Yes, it’s taken a while but it seems to be finally coming together. Seems to be.
FRANCINE: Christopher your tie, please.
RORY: [clears her throat]Straub and Fran - [clears her throat] Mr. and Mrs. um....are you enjoying your time here, um....you...two?
CHRISTOPHER: [to Lorelai] That she got from you.
STRAUB: How old are you young lady?
RORY: 16.
STRAUB: Dangerous age for girls [Lorelai looks at him]
FRANCINE: Straub.
GRANDMA: Rory is a very special child - excellent student, very bright.
GRANDPA: You should have a talk with her Straub, she could give you a run for your money.
STRAUB: Is that so?
GRANDMA: That’s right.
[Straub looks at Rory, Rory looks uncomfortable unsure what to do]
STRAUB: Well I think my money’s safe.
LORELAI: I hate president Bush.
STRAUB: What?
GRANDMA: Lorelai....
CHRISTOPHER: Oh boy.
LORELAI: He’s stupid and his face is too tiny for his head and I just want to toss him out.
STRAUB: That is the leader of our country young lady.
GRANDPA: Ignore her.
FRANCINE: His face is too tiny for his head, what kind of thing is that to say?
STRAUB: I see your daughter is just as out of control as ever.
CHRISTOPHER: Pop please. Let’s try and keep it civil.
STRAUB: Tell me Lorelai, what have you been doing with your life anyway, besides hating successful businessmen. I’m just curious.
GRANDMA: Why don’t we all go into the dining room?
LORELAI: Well uh, Straub, I run an inn near Stars Hollow.
STRAUB: Really?
LORELAI: Yes really.
CHRISTOPHER: Dad come on.
STRAUB: Nice to see you found your calling.
GRANDMA: Dinner is ready.
FRANCINE: Christopher your tie.
CHRISTOPHER: Mom please.
STRAUB: And is your life everything you hoped it would be?
LORELAI: Yes it is.
STRAUB: Because it seems to me you might not want to take such a haughty tone when you announce to the world that you work in a hotel.
LORELAI: Well there’s nothing wrong with where I work.
FRANCINE: Straub please. I’m getting a headache.
GRANDMA: Come on Richard, lead us into the dining room, now.
STRAUB: If you had attended a university as your parents had planned and as we planned in vain for Christopher, you might have aspired to something more than a blue collared position.
CHRISTOPHER: Don’t do this.
STRAUB: And I wouldn’t give a damn about you derailing your life if you hadn’t swept my son along with you.
LORELAI: [to Rory] Honey go into the next room. Go, go.
GRANDPA: I’m going to have to echo Christopher’s call for civility here. A mutual mistake was make many years ago by these two, but they have come a long way since.
STRAUB: A mutual mistake Richard? This whole evening is ridiculous. We’re supposed to sit here like one big happy family and pretend that the damage that was done is over, gone? I don’t care about how good a student you say that girl is....
LORELAI: Hey!
STRAUB: Our son was bound for Princeton. Every Hayden male attended Princeton including myself, but it all stopped with Christopher. It’s a humiliation we’ve had to live with every day, all because you seduced him into ruining his life. She had that baby and ended his future.
GRANDPA: [grabbing Straub’s arm] You recant that Straub!
STRAUB: You’re spilling my drink.
GRANDPA: You owe my daughter an apology.
STRAUB: An apology, that’s rich.
GRANDPA: How dare you?! [grabbing Straub] How dare you?!
GRANDMA: Richard what are you doing?
GRANDPA: How dare you come into my house and insult my daughter!
STRAUB: Let go of me!
CHRISTOPHER: Whoa, whoa, what is going on here? [putting himself between them]
GRANDPA: Shame on you Straub, shame on you for opening all this up again.
STRAUB: Get your purse Francine.
GRANDPA: My daughter is very successful at what she does.
STRAUB: We’re leaving.
GRANDPA: You’re not leaving. I’m kicking you out. [All four leave the room. Lorelai and Christopher and standing in the middle]
CHRISTOPHER: And you brought up Bush because?
LORELAI: It seemed like a good idea at the time. Wow.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah.
LORELAI: I feel....16.
[Pan to study. Richard sitting reading. Lorelai enters]
LORELAI: Dad? Dad....can I get you something to eat?
GRANDPA: I’m not hungry.
LORELAI: Ok. Well look, thank you.
GRANDPA: Thank me? For what? [Lorelai turns back.]
LORELAI: Well for what you did in there. I’m....I’m just unbelievably touched and grateful for what you said to him, for defending me like that. I know it was hard for you because, well....but thank you. [starts to leave]
GRANDPA: Why do you think I did it? [Lorelai turns back.]
LORELAI: What?
GRANDPA: Why do you think I did it?
LORELAI: I don’t know. Um, out of protectiveness I guess.
GRANDPA: You don’t need to be protected Lorelai. You’ve made it very clear that you can look after yourself and that you need nothing from anyone.
LORELAI: Mm. That’s not....
GRANDPA: A member of my family was being attacked. The very Gilmore name was being attacked. I will not stand for that not under any circumstances.
LORELAI: Ok, well it doesn’t really matter why you did it.
GRANDPA: Yes it does matter why I did it! It matters greatly! Lorelai what are you going to take away from this? That everything that happened in the past is suddenly fine because I defended you?
LORELAI: No.
GRANDMA: That the hell that you put your mother and I through for the past 16 years is suddenly washed away? Well it’s not.
LORELAI: We’ve all been through hell dad.
GRANDPA: I had to tell my friends, my colleagues, that my only daughter, the brightest in her class, was pregnant and was leaving school.
LORELAI: That must have been devastating.
GRANDPA: And then you run away and treat us like lepers. Your mother couldn’t get out of bed for a month. Did you know that? Did you?
LORELAI: No.
GRANDPA: We did nothing to deserve that. Nothing to earn that!
LORELAI: I get it. I’m horrible. So why don’t you disown me and adopt Christopher, you love him.
GRANDPA: Don’t be a martyr Lorelai. And don’t be naïve. Do you think I love the boy who got my daughter pregnant? I wanted to kill him! I would have too with my bare hands. But there’s a proper procedure to be followed in a situation like this.
LORELAI: Marriage.
GRANDPA: Christopher was willing to follow the procedure we laid out, you weren’t.
LORELAI: What about what I wanted Dad? Didn’t that matter to you at all?
GRANDPA: Sometimes one has to sacrifice something in order to do what is right.
LORELAI: I feel indescribably sad for you right now, dad.
GRANDPA: Well save your emotions Lorelai. I’ve had my fill of them tonight.
LORELAI: So, um, we just end it here. Nothing....resolved?
GRANDPA: I’m tired.
LORELAI: Ok. Ok [leaves]
[Pan to kitchen]
GRANDMA: There you are. I was wondering where you went.
RORY: I’m sorry.
GRANDMA: No, it’s nothing to be sorry about. Can I get you something?
RORY: [holding up a pop can] I’m fine.
GRANDMA: Oh that’s hardly dinner. Well that was quite a bit of excitement tonight.
RORY: Oh yeah.
GRANDMA: Not the good kind.
RORY: Nope.
GRANDMA: None of this means anything Rory.
RORY: Oh I know.
GRANDMA: Straub is actually a good man. Very smart. He was one of the top lawyers in his field - a very arcane aspect of International law. And he’s always been so active in his community. His charity work has never diminished over the years. Oh let’s face it - he’s a big ass. [Rory laughs] Rory, I know you heard a lot of talk about various disappointments this evening and I know you’ve heard a lot of talk about it in the past. But I want to make this very clear - you, young lady, your person and your existance have never ever been - not even for a second -included in that list. Do you understand me?
RORY: Yeah, I do.
GRANDMA: Good now eat up. [hands her a plate of leftovers]
[Pan to balcony outside Lorelai’s old room. Lorelai sitting crying.]
CHRISTOPHER: You look great [coming out onto the balcony.]
LORELAI: Yeah, well, I look the way I feel wiseguy.
CHRISTOPHER: That was....that was a memorable evening.
LORELAI: Oh yes, it was beautiful in there. We should commemorate it with an oil painting or a severed head or something.
CHRISTOPHER: Next time we get this group together we’re gonna have to frisk for weapons.
LORELAI: Hand out gags.
CHRISTOPHER: Employ six individual cones of silence [Lorelai laughs] Boy the old balcony is still the same isn’t it?
LORELAI: In all it’s beautiful away-from-them-ness.
CHRISTOPHER: Perfect hide-out - totally private. We spent a lot of time out here.
LORELAI: Sneaking dad’s telescope, scanning the sky for alien ships.
CHRISTOPHER: Never found any.
LORELAI: Huh. And then when we were older, scanning the neighbors houses for naked people.
CHRISTOPHER: [laughing] Found a couple of those.
LORELAI: [laughing] Mrs. Dominski undulating in her big fat underalls is forever carved into my brain.
CHRISTOPHER: [laughing] And in mine. [takes out a tequila bottle] here’s to Mrs. Dominski’s underalls.
LORELAI: Aw, you’re holding out on me.
CHRISTOPHER: [takes a drink] Take it. And in an effort to further chronicle this balcony’s history, we are now in the immediate vicinity of the spot upon which was Rory’s initial eminations.
LORELAI: Yes we are. Here’s to Rory. [takes a drink]
CHRISTOPHER: The bright spot in all the darkness.
LORELAI: And now.
CHRISTOPHER: You know even if you hadn’t gotten pregnant and everything had gone as planned, I still never would have make it through Princeton.
LORELAI: Oh I don’t believe that.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, well that’s why you’re you and I’m not.
[Pan to Luke’s where Luke is waiting for Lorelai. He gives up and goes inside. Pan back to the balcony where Christopher and Lorelai are kissing as they take off each other’s clothes. Pan to them putting back on their clothes.]
LORELAI: Wow. Wow, wow, wow.
CHRISTOPHER: You wigged?
LORELAI: Yeah, yeah I’m a little wigged.
CHRISTOPHER: Why?
LORELAI: Why? Are you kidding me? Chris this is the next to last thing I thought would ever happen tonight. The last thing being a holy saint guy riding down on a flaming chariot from heaven to announce Armageddon.
CHRISTOPHER: And Hartford is the place he chooses to make his announcement? I don’t think so.
LORELAI: Christopher.
CHRISTOPHER: Ok, yes, it was unexpected but it was great.
LORELAI: Oh God! Oh I can’t believe this.
CHRISTOPHER: Ok fine. You know what? We should go.
LORELAI: Yeah we should go like 30 minutes ago.
CHRISTOPHER: [sighs] I’m sorry.
LORELAI: Oh don’t apologize. It was the both of us. [they leave] God my parents have got to seal these windows up I swear to God.
CUT TO INSIDE CAR
RORY: So where were you guys?
LORELAI: Nowhere.
RORY: Where’s nowhere?
CHRISTOPHER: Where we were.
LORELAI: Mm-hmm.
RORY: Ah.
CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE
CHRISTOPHER: Night you.
RORY: Good night dad. [he gives her a kiss]
CHRISTOPHER: Good night Lor.
LORELAI: Good night, yeah, uh, have a really, really good night. [he heads for the couch]
RORY: You got some dirt or some schmuts on your -
LORELAI: Hmm?
RORY: Where did you -
LORELAI: I don’t - it’s been a long night so um, there’s just been a lot of schmutsing going on.
RORY: Ok.
LORELAI: Come on [directing her to the kitchen] We haven’t really had a chance to talk.
RORY: About the schmutsing?
LORELAI: [sighs] No, about all the warm and fuzzy family moments that went on tonight. Are you ok?
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: You know all those crazy people saying those horrible things were directing them at me not you.
RORY: They were directing them to you because you had me.
LORELAI: No, they were directing them at me because I screwed up their big ‘Citizen Kane’ plans. That’s all.
RORY: They don’t even want to know me do they?
LORELAI: That is not true. They are just so full of anger and stupid pride that stands in the way of them realizing how much they want to know you.
RORY: Yeah.
LORELAI: Their loss and it’s a pretty big one.
RORY: I’m going to bed now.
LORELAI: Hey. No regrets - from me or your dad.
RORY: Yeah?
LORELAI: Oh, I mean no regrets about you. There’s a misspelled tattoo incident that I’m sure he’d like to erase from his bio - but you that’s a no brainer.
RORY: Where does dad have a misspelled tattoo?
LORELAI: Ah, ah, another story for another time, possibly before your first trip to Mazatlan. Good night babe.
RORY: Good night mom.
LORELAI: [walks by a mirror and looks at herself] Ugh.
[Pan to morning. Lorelai awake in bed]
LORELAI: [gasps] Oh no! Aah!
CUT TO LUKE’S
[Lorelai waiting in pj’s on the front stoop]
LORELAI: I feel horrible.
LUKE: Don’t.
LORELAI: I stood you up and I didn’t even call.
LUKE: It’s ok.
LORELAI: I’m a rat. We had a date and I stood you up.
LUKE: It wasn’t a date, it was just a paint.
LORELAI: I’m a rat, I need cheese.
LUKE: Forget it.
LORELAI: Hey, hey, let’s reschedule.
LUKE: You know, I really didn’t even want to do it in the first place.
LORELAI: No, no come on, don’t change your mind. We could do it tonight or - or right now.
LUKE: Was it an emergency?
LORELAI: Yes. You would not believe what happened. I slipped and I busted my - it wasn’t an emergency. It was just me being a rat.
LUKE: Something came up?
LORELAI: Yeah.
LUKE: Something....someone.
LORELAI: Luke.
LUKE: Am I right?
LORELAI: I’m sorry.
LUKE: Yeah, ok. Well I’m late.
LORELAI: Oh.
CUT TO GILMORE HOUSE
[Christopher making coffee as Lorelai comes in.]
CHRISTOPHER: Where were you?
LORELAI: Fruitlessly trying to rectify a ratty transgression.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh. You want some coffee?
LORELAI: No.
CHRISTOPHER: What?
LORELAI: What?
CHRISTOPHER: Well I know you well enough to know that when you say no to coffee, especially in the morning, all is not right in Whoville.
LORELAI: Very astute.
CHRISTOPHER: So....last night.
LORELAI: Ah, last night was Chernobyl and the Hindenburg combined.
CHRISTOPHER: Right, just checking.
LORELAI: My father almost hit someone. My father has probably only hit another man in college wearing boxing gloves and one of those Fred Mertz golden gloves pullover sweaters.
CHRISTOPHER: Fred Mertz?
LORELAI: ‘I Love Lucy’ - Fred Mertz.
CHRISTOPHER: Landlord to Ricki, husband to Ethel, I know. It’s just a weird reference.
LORELAI: Hello, pajamas.
CHRISTOPHER: Right. Continue.
LORELAI: My father had a meltdown, first with your father....
CHRISTOPHER: He was asking for it.
LORELAI: ....and then with me. And then you and me - oh boy.
CHRISTOPHER: Don’t say it like that.
LORELAI: Stupid. Dumb.
CHRISTOPHER: Much better.
LORELAI: And to top off the whole fabulous fiasco, I stood up a friend of mine, who was counting on me and, and he just stood there looking hurt with the paint and the chairs and it hurt me. And it’s not your fault but in this parade of stupid and dumb, I am the one twirling the flaming baton.
CHRISTOPHER: Lor?
LORELAI: What?
CHRISTOPHER: I want to marry you.
LORELAI: And the hits just keep on coming.
CHRISTOPHER: Just think about it. Think about it before you make a rash -
LORELAI: You are out of your mind. You are completely insane. You have flipped your lid. Charlie Manson is freaked out by you right now!
CHRISTOPHER: Come on, we’re already a family.
LORELAI: Who? Who is a family?!
CHRISTOPHER: Us! You, me and Rory!
LORELAI: You don’t even know what a family is.
CHRISTOPHER: It’s people living together.
LORELAI: No. It’s a big commitment, it’s responsibility, it’s hard work. It’s coming home at the same time to the same place every day.
CHRISTOPHER: Ok, so what do you want, financial statements? I can be a family man, I’m responsible.
LORELAI: Honey, you can’t even buy a book without having your credit card declined.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh man, I told Rory not to rat me out. I can’t believe she did that.
LORELAI: She didn’t. Andrew from the bookstore called and Jackson and the UPS guy and ooh it was the lead story on the Stars Hollow web page. And then I asked Rory and she very reluctantly confirmed it. ‘Rat me out’ what are you - 16?
CHRISTOPHER: I’m sorry.
LORELAI: And what are you doing telling my daughter to lie to me anyway?
CHRISTOPHER: She’s my daughter too.
LORELAI: More like your playmate.
CHRISTOPHER: You know I don’t deserve that, I’m as mature as you.
LORELAI: What? The offspring is your favorite band.
CHRISTOPHER: So? You’re into Metallica.
LORELAI: Well Metallica is way more substantial than The Offspring.
CHRISTOPHER: Here we go, it’s the same Black Sabbath riff all over again.
LORELAI: Oh! The Offspring have like one chord compression. They use it over and over. They just popped on new words and called it a single and I don’t want to talk about this anymore!
CHRISTOPHER: Look, I’m the immature one, I’m the irresponsible one, I’m was the one who was willing to get married when you got pregnant.
LORELAI: We were too young, we wouldn’t have made it, you know that.
CHRISTOPHER: Well we’re not too young now.
LORELAI: Ok. Now I need some coffee.
CHRISTOPHER: What about last night. What did our having sex mean to you?
LORELAI: [sighs] It meant that Jose Cuervo still has amazing magical powers.
CHRISTOPHER: You’re funny.
LORELAI: We can’t get married Christopher. We don’t know each other as adults.
CHRISTOPHER: So let’s get married and get to know each other as adults.
LORELAI: Well, that’s very Fiddler on the Roof of you.
CHRISTOPHER: Ok, fine. Let’s get to know each other right now. What do you want to know?
LORELAI: How is your business really doing? [Christopher sighs]
CHRISTOPHER: Lorelai.
LORELAI: I knew it.
CHRISTOPHER: Look, I was going to tell you if it didn’t pick up soon. I swear.
LORELAI: And you just sat there last night, just smiling and nodding while my dad and your dad went on and on about Christopher and his great big business success in California.
CHRISTOPHER: Yeah, I didn’t want to upset anybody. I wanted last night to be nice.
LORELAI: Oh well it was.
CHRISTOPHER: Oh and it would have been much better if I had announced at the table ‘Hey on top of everything else you’re upset about, I just wanted to add that I’m the biggest loser in the world’. Would that have been festive?
LORELAI: You’re not a loser.
CHRISTOPHER: Please.
LORELAI: You’re a liar but not a loser.
CHRISTOPHER: Thank you.
LORELAI: You’re welcome.
CHRISTOPHER: Come on ,we’re arguing like an old married couple. Doesn’t that show potential?
LORELAI: Oh Christopher, I swear to God....
CHRISTOPHER: I’ve been looking for the one Lor, that elusive soul mate - I really have, I just believe it’s you, it’s always been you.
LORELAI: Chris come on.
CHRISTOPHER: Rory might be my only child.
LORELAI: That’s not true. If Tony Randall can crank one out in his seventies you have decades left to spawn.
CHRISTOPHER: No. I don’t know how much I miss Rory until I see her like this. It’s....it’s easier staying away.
LORELAI: No. Don’t stay away. Don’t. Rory needs her dad.
CHRISTOPHER: Or her pal right?
LORELAI: I think she’d take a combo.
[Pan to outside house, Christopher loading up bike]
RORY: So call us when you get home.
CHRISTOPHER: I will.
RORY: And call more.
CHRISTOPHER: I will. [they hug] See ya. [ he whispers something in her ear]
RORY: [to Lorelai] Dad wants to know if you’ll reconsider.
[Lorelai calls Rory over and whispers in her ear]
RORY: She says ‘Nope. Offspring sucks and Metallica rules.’
CHRISTOPHER: Fair enough. [He kisses and hugs Lorelai]
LORELAI: Drive safe. [He leaves]
RORY: He wanted you to marry him didn’t he?
LORELAI: Spy.
RORY: You know crazier things have happened.
LORELAI: You mean crazier than having your mom and dad married?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: I don’t think they have.
RORY: What? Why is that so crazy?
LORELAI: Because it is. Because he wants things he is not ready for.
RORY: How do you know?
LORELAI: I know. I know him so well. You have no idea.
RORY: Maybe he can change.
LORELAI: Rory.
RORY: Maybe it’s different. He did come here this time, he’s never done that before.
LORELAI: Hey, stop.
RORY: Why?
LORELAI: Because I don’t want you to get yourself all worked up over this.
RORY: He loves you.
LORELAI: He does love me.
RORY: Do you love him?
LORELAI: Honey come on.
RORY: Answer me.
LORELAI: Honestly?
RORY: Yes.
LORELAI: I will probably always love him.
RORY: Ok so?
LORELAI: But that doesn’t change the fact that he still has a long way to go before he is ready to take us on full time. I mean you are a handful missy. And while I am pure joy and sunshine every waking hour, I still have my own set of needs that - that must be met. It just wasn’t right babe. You have to trust me on that. Mm? Talk please.
RORY: I still think there was a little something different.
LORELAI: Maybe you’re right.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: It would be nice.
RORY: Yeah it would
LORELAI: I’ll tell you what, uh, let’s not put all the blankets away just yet.
RORY: Really?
LORELAI: You never know.
CUT TO LUKE’S
LUKE: What the -
LORELAI: Taa-daa!
LUKE: How’d you get in here?
LORELAI: You’re bread guy let me in.
LUKE: I’m switching bread guys.
LORELAI: What do you think?
LUKE: I think you shouldn’t break and enter.
LORELAI: So what do you think?
LUKE: Well I gotta admit - it looks pretty good.
LORELAI: Oh, I knew you’d like it.
LUKE: Thanks.
LORELAI: Anytime. It’s fun.
LUKE: So, uh, where’s the guy?
LORELAI: Oh he’s gone.
LUKE: Oh, too bad.
LORELAI: We’ll be fine. Luke?
LUKE: Yeah?
LORELAI: Um, can I make one more suggestion?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Curtains?
LUKE: No.
LORELAI: Manly curtains.
LUKE: Oxymoron.
LORELAI: What did you call me?
LUKE: No curtains.
LORELAI: Aw come on. You gotta give a little. How about a tablecloth?
LUKE: No. We don’t do table cloths here.
End